House break
I’m taking a break from picking up the house. Madison is in the swing, Noah is (supposedly) cleaning up his playroom. Today J’s mom and kid sister are coming over and I also have an appointment with the baby psychic (only she wouldn’t like me to call her that — I’ll find out the actual name for what she does at my visit and let you all know).
I’ve been really busy for the past couple of weeks and it’s caving in on me. The other night I was a puddle of tears and couldn’t figure out why I was so miserable. Then I remembered that I’m an introvert and that as an introvert, even the most fun socializing wears on me terribly.
I’m an introvert who functions as an extrovert. My mom’s theory is that I taught myself to do this because I grew up sandwiched between two more out-going siblings and otherwise I would have gotten lost in the shuffle. Maybe that’s true. I do remember spending time sitting in my closet with the door shut to get away from the noise. Anyway, people who meet me are surprised that I’m introverted because I can be very gregarious. It takes a lot out of me though; I feel like I’m performing and afterwards I’m exhausted. It’s easier if I have an assigned role like project leader or party host.
This is a hard part of parenting for me because not only is there my time with people that I need, but I also need to facilitate my kids’ relationships if merely by driving them here or there and greeting the adults at the other end. You know, small talk. Noah’s introverted, too, so it could be more difficult but still our social lives are entwined. I used to think it wouldn’t be as challenging if he were in school but now I see that it would just be a different kind of challenging. The mothers I know who are involved with their kids’ schooling — and I would be — do even more dashing about than I do.
I’ve taken to wearing my iPod if I’m doing chores as a coping mechanism. Music recharges me in a major way and having this little room of music going while I do dishes makes doing the dishes something I very nearly look forward to doing. I’ve also been walking in the evening when time allows (and the ellaroo, my friends, is the most comfortable way to transport a baby even on long walks — I highly recommend wraps for those with aching backs/necks). These things help. But I mostly have to tell myself that my life isn’t as bad as it looks, that it’s my shutting-down method of reacting to stress that causes me to fold into myself, that tomorrow will be a quiet day and I won’t have to leave the house if I don’t want to.
More and more I see the power of learning to accept myself just as I am (thank you, Fred Rogers!) and making room for the way that I need to do things. It doesn’t help to wish I were less shy or more naturally outgoing but it does help to give myself space for a nervous breakdown after a raucous evening of homeschooling events. And it helps even more to be able to see that how I’m perceiving things isn’t necessarily how they are.
Like the mess below with the comments. Part of that came about because I’m feeling kind of put on the spot lately in regards to any and all adoption issues. I’m suddenly feeling like a poster child for open adoption and I certainly don’t feel up to the task. I’ve got IRL friends and virtual friends who send me any and all adoption stories that they come across online or in the paper and ask me for my instant opinion. I have other people who laud me as some kind of super hero adoptive parent and others who think I’m delusional and it all seemed to come together — in my mind — on this blog.
The truth is that I don’t know if open adoption will be best for Madison any more than I know that homeschooling will be best for Noah. I think those things will be. I think — based on my reading, my values, and my heart — that it’s the only way I could live my life. But I have my doubts and my insecurities and I get tired of defending those choices although I also think it’s my duty to do so. I mean, if I put an entry up and get a response, well, I have a responsibility to hold up my end of the conversation. At least I think I do. It’s part of the challenge that I’ve set for myself on this blog. But I also get tired. This isn’t theory to me — it’s Real Life. Madison isn’t an experiment; she’s my kid.
We have these conversations in your comments because we can. Because there’s a little space created by your “comments box” that is a mini conversation, that can be held in space without anyone having to talk to anyone in real life, without worrying about expressing their opinions face to face. This doesn’t mean that you need to respond to any of it. It’s nice that you do, but if it causes you stress, then please take a break. It’s great that you’re so open and honest here, that you share your life and kids with us, but that’s all it has to be. People talk to you about the topics you discuss because they see an opportunity to do so, which is probably what happens to every other blogger who reads your posts too - someone is talking to them on their blogs about whatever they’re discussing at the time.
I’m thrilled that you try so hard to be a resource for people. But no one is expecting you to be an expert or have the final say about their choices. We just get excited, and want to chat and share and debate. I’m sorry for any stress that you have because of it. *hugs*
“I’m suddenly feeling like a poster child for open adoption and I certainly don’t feel up to the task.”
I felt the same way except by being a birthmother after I first placed. It’s just because it’s a new shirt to wear and everyone thinks it looks so lovely.
It may not happen today, but that label becomes less of a burden if you let it. I know for me, I can’t change the poster child opinion, but I can be real and true to myself by showing the tough days too. Just like you did above…
Perhaps this is not the best time to mention it, (if you are feeling like taking a break) but the Tavis Smiley show is having a segment on transracial adoption and foster care today. I don’t know if you’re familiar with the show, but it’s on NPR and will probably be archived somewhere.
I’m an I who was raised by a couple of enormous Es, Dawn. I feel your pain.
People who know me very well know that I’m a big introvert–everyone else is shocked if they ever find out.
It *is* hard to remember to do the things that I need to do to recharge, because I can get very caught up in doing all of the other stuff.
Anyway, nothing profound to say–other than that I hear you.
As a fellow outgoing introvert, I hear what you are saying. I always find it hard to explain to people that even though I am chatty, I am also quite shy and prefer reading a good book to a party any day.
Don’t forget to cut yourself some slack. Being with a 2 month old is a really hard job, not to mention taking care of a big kid, a house and a writing career. Sometimes you just have to step back from your issues (adoption for you, multiracial kid for me) and just spend some time being an average run of the mill family. The issues will always be there when you want them
When I read journals, I feel like the writer is already putting him or herself out there. I don’t feel like they are obligated to listen to or answer me in their comments. If they do, it’s swell, but I don’t expect it.
Anyway, I hope you get a well-deserved break.
Do what feels right to you!
Now… I want to know more about the baby psychic…. what is it? why do it? what is the desired outcome?
-d
If there is anything that your experience has taught me is that in adoption, there are no right answers… only comfort levels.
So, if it’s any consolation… I don’t consider you delusional. Just on the other wise of the comfort level spectrum.
Me (hello!) ……………. You (hello back!)
And, there’s nothing wrong with us. Well, in my case, as it relates to adoption opinions.
Now, to bigger and more important issues… baby psychic?!?!?!?
You’re doing your very best, and that’s more than too many children get.
Oh, Dawn! I hope I haven’t been pushy with my adoption questions. The truth is that I look up to you immensely, and it’s just so damn interesting to “know” someone who has gone through an open adoption. Lucas and I want our child’s birthmother to be a part of our lives, and it makes me happy to see your relationship with J grow. It gives me hope and some “proof” for all the people who tell me that all open adoptions are bad!
About the introversion/extroversion issue: I am basically your opposite. I’m extroverted in that spending time with people is very necessary for me and being alone feels like hard work, vs. introverts I have known who find alone time necessary and spending time with other people hard work. But that doesn’t mean I have an easy time interacting with people. Although I can manage to get over it in the right context, and find (to my surprise) that people think I’m pretty good in social situations, deep down I am really shy and have a lot of social anxiety.
Sometimes I wonder about Myers-Briggs and all those tests that seem to correlate social skills and extroversion–so many people don’t fit that description.