First things first
May 21, 2004 Adoption
I met Short North Mama yesterday. I brought along one of my L. friends for kicks and it was fun. She’s smart as heck and “one of us” politically plus she has really beautiful green eyes. We talked adoption, we talked motherhood and then she and L. compared notes on working in abortion clinics. The only downside is that my friend B. was sick and couldn’t make it.
I was virtually talking to Magicpointeshoes yesterday and she told me that many adoptive families in open adoptions end up closing the adoptions around the time the kid turns three. I want to know why this is. What is it about preschoolers that makes people want to shut down their open adoptions? Is it because the child is then more cognizant and any insecurities the adoptive parents might have start cropping up?
I talked to our social worker about hooking me up with some other local families who have open adoptions to be our mentors. I want to be sure that Brett and I are doing our part to support J.’s presence in our family and in Madison’s life. If there’s something about 3-year olds that brings up conflict, I want to know about it so we can prepare ourselves to muscle through it.
Magicpointeshoes was also telling me how very scary it is for birthmothers in open adoptions because all of the power is in the hands of the adoptive parents. I guess I took for granted that J. wouldn’t feel this way, which I now think was naive of me. I don’t want J. to ever worry that we would take Madison and run but how can she not?
I kind of think that we need to have some sort of conflict just to show her that we’re not going to bail on her if things get testy. Oh well, there’s no rushing things. You hang out with people long enough and sooner or later there’s an opportunity to mend a rift or two.
I get uncomfortable when people say that Brett and I are generous in our relationship with J. Listen, if anyone is generous it’s her. As far as how things are working out, it’s just the obviously right way to do things here. I feel that our match with her was made in the same heaven in which my match with Brett was made — it was meant to be. And if it’s meant to be, then it’s all going to be good, even the hard stuff.
I have long thought that the reason we’re adopting was not just to bring Madison to us but to bring us together with J. In my more new age-y self, I believe that J. has been a part of our family forever and we have been a part of hers. This is how we came together in this lifetime, that’s all. But it feels like destiny to me.
Someone asked me if it’s hard to see J. hold Madison and it’s not. It’s not at all. It looks absolutely right. It brings me peace to see it. We have a framed picture of J. holding Madison and I like to show it off.
I don’t know if it’s hard for J. to see us with Madison so I’ll have to ask her. So far the one piece of advice I have about open adoptions is that it’s ok to bring up the awkward stuff. You can even do it like this, “I feel so awkward asking but…” I find that everyone is relieved to get things out without any runaround. It’s a little like pulling out a splinter. The hard thing for me is that I assume that everyone else is pulling out splinters, too, and I’m finding that — like my marriage — in this relationship I have the job of splinter-puller. Fortunately, I am pretty good at pointing out elephants. So good, in fact, that I often ruin dinner parties by announcing their presence inappropriately.
May 21st, 2004 at 9:38 am
Ah, jeez. I am blushing over here. I had a great time too! I was just telling my husband this morning, that you two were the kind of mama I hope to be as my kids get older and rational. It was great to meet you both!
May 21st, 2004 at 9:47 am
I am the Queen of pointing out elephants. I make up for it at dinner parties by being a really good cook. Sometimes this works … and some times I’ve lost friends who considered me “too dramatic” - because I was telling the truth when they weren’t. I’d rather surround myself with honest people, open people, and know about every damn elephant in the room.
May 21st, 2004 at 11:28 am
Just to be the devil’s advocate…you do not know what the future holds. While I really admire your openness with J, there may come a time when your relationship is not as comfortable as it is now. It might easy now to judge those parents of 3 year olds who are closing their adoptions, when you and J are both in the early stages. It might be very different three years from now. And if you need to close the adoption for whatever reason, it is your right to do so. It will not make you a bad person or a bad parent. It just might be a good thing to remember so you don’t end up judging yourself too harshly.
May 21st, 2004 at 11:30 am
I think it’s great though, that you are planning ahead and actively trying to find out what it is about three year olds that might be difficult.
May 21st, 2004 at 12:07 pm
Hi there
Reading this post makes me really happy, because it seems like you’ve done a wonderful job of integrating your daughter’s birth mom into your family.
I just wanted to say that you’re right about parents who’ve put their kids up for adoption worrying about losing contact with their kids. One of my best friends put her son up for adoption a few years ago, and they did an open adoption. There isn’t room for much actual interaction, because the adoptive parents live pretty far away from my friend. And ever since the adoption, my friend and her boyfriend have worried almost constantly that their son’s adoptive parents are going to cut off contact and stop sending them pictures and info. I think they didn’t realize how much they’d want from the adoptive parents in terms of contact and information, and now they’re terrified of losing what they have.
Anyway, I think what you’re doing seems amazing! I only wish that my friend’s son’s adoptive parents were as caring and supportive as you seem to be.
May 21st, 2004 at 12:32 pm
Oh! Let me clarify! It’s not three year olds. It’s from making the adoption official and irrovocable to age three that the closing tends to happen. And I’m betting it has absolutely nothing with the stage the child is in, and more to do with the insecurities of the adoptive parents that had not been addressed.
And not to say like Ellen said above that there are very good reasons for *some* of those open relationships to close. Relationships change I get that. But it’s absolutely horrifying to see how many birthparents don’t receive the pictures anymore or the notes with absolutely no given reason. Just silence, and silence is the worst when you think it might have been something you said, or something you didn’t say.
May 21st, 2004 at 2:12 pm
Laurel,
That makes sense. In your opinion, why do you think that most of these parents choose to close the adoptions?
May 21st, 2004 at 2:45 pm
Being on the birthmother side of it, I couldn’t tell you accurately.
I can speculate though…
If I had to pin point why some adoptive parents close on the instances where the birthmom wasn’t a pain in extremely horrid way. I would say that it could be that they are uncomfortable with the saddness that the birthmom endures for the first few visits. So some close at that point.
Other times, like in the ones that are semi-open with pictures and notes but no visits, the adoptive parents get either lazy or forgetful. Or maybe they just don’t want to feel that obligation any more. I really don’t know. But many many times pictures stop coming at the agreed time. Then the whole process of building up enough courage to ask for the pictures start. So does one contact the agency and become the tattletale, or does one contact the parents directly and risk contact forever more?
But like I said, I am not an adoptive parent. I don’t know what they were expecting when they agreed to open or semi-open adoption. But something changes and gets amplified in their internal thinking that makes it quite possible to think that life would be easier if they just didn’t have to think about the birthparent anymore.
I wish I knew, that knowledge would be a comfort.
May 21st, 2004 at 2:58 pm
http://www.adopting.org/expertinf.html
the last letter at the bottom of the page explains this topic very well
May 21st, 2004 at 3:01 pm
Is it always opposite day for these people who suggest that adopters are “generous”??? I’m not saying you aren’t generous, Dawn, I know you are, but as far as thinking about adoption goes…I have a hard time coming up with a generosity scenario that tops giving a baby you gave birth to into somone else’s complete and total personal and legal keeping.
Am I just crazy?
May 21st, 2004 at 5:48 pm
I started to comment on this earlier but held off, but I always said that I would give my children “free” access to their father. I was often shocked at woman that would “hold contact” from the biological father.
Now, being a divorced woman and having watched their father self destruct in some ways, I have pulled the reins in further and have often tried to keep his time to a minimum.
I’ve been told it is horrible but people don’t know the full picture and it isn’t my intention of telling them everything either. They just have to trust that I do what is in the best interest of my children.
Its hard to know what is happening in those homes.
- d