It’s easy to forget that birth parents don’t live on another planet. There are, of course, birth parents in our lives only it’s likely that few are out to us. I (shamefully) don’t always remember this despite having a birth mom in my extended family.
Some of the previous discussions in posts below have been linked to at communities either focused on or specifically open to birth mothers and unhappily, it has caused some pain.
I’m going to share some links to birth parent stories in the hopes that those of us connected to or interested in adoption will respectfully consider what it means to place a baby for adoption:
–Unwed Mother (a blog)
–Lifemothers
–First Mothers Magazine
–Birth-Moms.com
And finally, why it’s important that we adoptive parents know our limits and are honest about them. Open adoption is not for everyone and if it’s not for you, don’t make promises you won’t keep: Remembering Cindy
Every adoption triad is different. It’s up to those within it to choose their own boundaries and not feel forced by anyone to step beyond them.
It’s hard to read these stories — especially as an adoptive parent — and there are times when I wish I could pretend that Madison’s arrival to our family was nothing but a happy event. However, in bearing witness to J’s pain, I am honoring her love and commitment to her daughter.
Related posts:
I was a teenage birthmom 20+ years ago, at a time when the term “open adoption” probably didn’t exist. Although I didn’t necessarily think about it in this way at the time, I think even the commitment to be part of the adoptive parents “family” would have been too much of a burden for me – if I had not been able to be there, it would have felt like yet another failure in life. And of course, that’s why I was giving this baby up for adoption – because I didn’t want to fail her.
Having said that, even in a closed adoption you can honor the birth mother – by doing the best job you can do as a parent and mentor, by making sure your child knows what a gift they were, by letting them know how much you think of their birth mother and the extraordinary sacrifice and gift she gave.
I have no regrets about my choices – although it certainly was a difficult process, and took time for me to get there. Once I became a parent, I was even more convinced of the “rightness” of my choice – first, because being a parent is hard enough when you are mature enough to handle it, and second, because if that child brought 1/100th of the joy to her parents as my children have brought to me, then I can think of no greater gift I could have given to that child than the gift of true family.
I think that, as in most other walks of life, tolerance is the key. My choice is my own, made for my own reasons. Although other people may disagree, I think the important thing to remember is that we are all entitled to our choices and beliefs. I am happy to hear opinions and other sides to the story – I just think because we don’t do it all the same way doesn’t mean that someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong.
Dawn, I loved your story of how you came to your decision to not breastfeed, and just thinking of how you would have judged yourself a few years ago. A great example of how complicated parenting is … I’m sure there’s a t-shirt slogan in there!
It’s easy to forget there are more women out there that are birthmothers because of the don’t tell aspect. But everytime I cringe at the “How many kids do you have?” question, I remember that for every kid that is adopted, there is a birthparent out there too. So I end up just saying my truth, that I have two children, but our first was placed for adoption.
I haven’t bumped into anyone in person yet that has answered the same, but plenty of women then change their answers after hearing mine to include any losses through miscarraige or stillborn.
As much as I sometimes think, “Well they don’t want to know about that…” I then think of my Great-grandmother who never spoke a word about the son she lost to adoption and how dreadfully sad she would get around his birthday. For all the things that she couldn’t validate, I feel her strength around me now every time someone asks that one simple question.
Thank you for mentioning us birth parents in a postive light. I’m the founder/creator of Lifemothers.com & the Remembering Cindy tribute site. I found your words to be touching and heartfelt.
Birth parents are every day people making not-so every day choices ..but still, we are normal folks. We are your bankers, your house wives, your stay at home moms, your columnists, your crossguards, your bosses, your sisters, your friends … we are so much more than our adoption choice, we’re real people.
Thank you for helping others see us for what we are: real people.
Skye