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Apr 26, 2004 Parenting
People ask me how I have time to blog with a new baby and I say it’s easy to find time to blog. Now finding time to scrub the toilet, that I have more trouble with. My blog is a sanity saver and cleaning the toilet bowl is not.
J. visited for the first time this weekend and it was really lovely to see her again. I hope she’ll visit again soon.
I have another earache, likely caused by the mad house cleaning rush (Brett cleaned the toilet) and concern that everything be absolutely perfect for J. As my friend predicted, she only had eyes for Madison but at least if she had given into the urge to look under our couch, she would have found it very tidy under there.
Madison is getting really big! She’s 11lbs now and Noah didn’t hit that until he was three months old! (She’ll be 4 weeks tomorrow.) Her arms are so long. I have a picture of Noah at about four months old and he’s got his arms above his head. His hand barely reaches past his big old baby head. When Madison puts her arms up, half her forearm reaches past her head. I’ll try to get a picture of it sometime. And then her fingers and toes are just so long.
She has a red tinge to her hair now and someone who feels she is knowledgable about biracial babies (having been one herself) swears her copper highlights will remain. I don’t know but they sure are pretty right now. Her skin has darkened considerably and is now the color of cocoa and milk with a touch of gold and blush. Her eyes are little dark brown M&Ms. She is so so beautiful and I can see that she’ll be even more lovely as she grows.
I have to recommend slinging yet again when it comes to new babies. Admittedly, my shoulders have taken a hit and so now I slip her into the swing so I can stretch and you all already know that she spends some time in the bassinet. But for the bulk of the day — as much as my upper back can stand — she spends tucked inside one kind of sling or another. (I find switching brands helps my endurance — first the Kangaroo Korner, then on to an Over the Shoulder Baby Holder, and I just dug out the New Native.) She tilts her head back so she’s looking up at my face and the fascinating ceiling fans. I thought maybe she wanted to face out but she fussed and sputtered so much that I flipped her back around, tummy-to-tummy. She immediately calmed and leaned her head way back again.
When she’s in the sling, I can pat her and talk to her and all of that cuddling has helped me to get past those early days when I was feeling overwhelmed and guilt-stricken. That, and sleeping with her. There is absolutely nothing like waking up with a chubby little baby pressed into you. I appreciate that co-sleeping is not for everyone and I certainly don’t think it’s the only or even the best way to be a night time parent. But it works for me and has made things easier.
Good mothering, I think, is about taking care of the whole family — including yourself. There are times where one member takes precedence, of course, but parenting is a broad picture. When Noah was a wee babe, I thought good parenting was like a recipe. If I breastfed, cloth diapered, carried him everywhere and made sure his first solids weren’t rice cereal (seriously, I had a huge issue with rice cereal as a first food), I would have a healthy, happy, doting baby who would grow to be a healthy, happy, respectful child and then adult.
Most of my friends were the same way and while we differed on this and that, we really thought that we could control the world by controlling our little babies’ very tiny lives. Now that our children are older, our values are broader and so is our social circle. Over and over and over I see that there are lots of ways to raise strong, healthy, contented children. Over and over and over I see that there is no way to avoid the inevitable unique problems — health, behavior, emotions — that will visit our kids.
The other day I was at a park with Madison in the sling. There was another mom with a preschooler and a toddler also wearing a sling. And she had on a nursing shirt. I caught her eyeing me — fellow mother in a sling — and I remembered how when Noah was that age, I was always on the look-out for signs of nursing. I’d check out other mommies at the park to see if they were wearing accessible clothing — no shirts tucked in, no one-piece dresses. If she didn’t look like she was nursing, I’d dismiss her — just like that. I know, it’s horrifying. It’s stupid. It’s an -ism that doesn’t have a name yet. Anyway, Madison started to fuss and I pulled out the bottle and this mother did exactly what I would have done. She turned away and didn’t look at me again.
Part of me wanted to yell, “Hey! She’s adopted! And it’s complicated! And I spent $400 getting ready to relactate but then there were unexpected issues and…” Really. I wanted to get defensive. I feel the same way when people write in here.
Anyway, enough of that. I just wanted to toss it out here, that those of us with strong parenting ideals ought not to visit them on other people, especially if we’re feminists ‘cuz choice is part of the deal. (I’m speaking to myself here, too — you all know that I can get pretty damn self righteous about adoption issues.)
And now for your viewing pleasure:
–A baby with her eyes on the future
–An action shot to prove she’s smiling
April 26th, 2004 at 12:02 pm
I got a lot of that when my baby was first born, a lot of “you should do it this way” and not understanding that what I did was right for me, and for us. Especially about breatfeeding, which I did initially but had to supplement with formula and after two months stopped - long before I wanted to … I was initially unsure but took to once he was born, but scar tissue in one breast left me with nursing complications and that boy was a big eater. I still miss nursing him, even after another year, but that’s an internal thing that I don’t have printed on a t-shirt, so how are other people to know? Sometimes close-minded people judge you. Be careful not to do it yourself, and maybe think about getting a t-shirt of your own printed up?
She’s beautiful, btw.
April 26th, 2004 at 12:24 pm
I wonder if that new-mom period is so filled with insecurities that it makes it hard not to compare and judge. I hated feeling so stupidly competitive ALL THE TIME. I guess I was just so afraid of ruining him that I grasped at anything to affirm myself. It’s a shame.
And personally, I’d love more details on J’s visit. But I’m wondering if that goes into the privacy thing . . . ;o)
April 26th, 2004 at 12:53 pm
She’s just gorgeous.
April 26th, 2004 at 2:00 pm
She’s such a cutie!
April 26th, 2004 at 2:40 pm
being a feminist means allowing each woman to make her own decisions on how to live her life…
Isn’t it amazing how much easier it becomes understanding differences when you walk in the other side’s shoes. So, to speak…
-d
April 26th, 2004 at 5:38 pm
Happy Love-In!
I wanted you to know I love reading your blog. You give some much information to others and I always feel in good company with your readers. Thank you for putting yourself out there for us.
April 26th, 2004 at 9:42 pm
Amen, sister! I promise you that the next mom I see at the park bottle feeding her baby will get a big ol’ honkin’ welcoming and friendly smile from yours truly.
It is tough to learn that difference between theory and practice, between ideals and reality. I have learned similar lessons on my parenting journey, Dawn, and can relate so very much to what you’ve written here. Motherhood is not a sorority, it is not a contest, it is not a competition, it is not a checklist. It is an ebb and flow, a process, a discovery, a gradual understanding, an enlightenment, an exercise in humility whose lessons make us stronger and more empathetic. And you exemplify this, my dear.
April 26th, 2004 at 10:22 pm
I guess it’s a reminder not to judge from the outward appearance
April 27th, 2004 at 12:58 pm
Great post–on a feminist board where I participate, we’ve had a heated discussion about some parenting practices and I’ve been struggling with finding the words to convey what you did so beautifully with the story at the end of this post. So I referred readers here to see it.
Thanks again!
April 27th, 2004 at 3:36 pm
Dawn, your daughter is so gorgeous. I swear, I never get tired of seeing new pics!
April 27th, 2004 at 4:13 pm
Beautiful pictures.
And let me echo what everyone else has said — this post is inspiring because you do such a lovely job of illustrating how important it is not to judge mothers by what we perceive to be their choices…
April 30th, 2004 at 10:38 am
Ok, so we know better than to judge others on their practices, but HOW HOW HOW do we not get defensive? How do we defend ourselves when someone is visiting their ideals and practices on us? What is a gracious yet powerful way to let someone else know to back off? Or do we just nod our heads and let it pass?