So I have a question…
Apr 16, 2004 Infertility
For those of you currently struggling to build your family through fertility treatments, does it suck to read my blog? Be honest. I won’t be mad if you say yes because I wouldn’t have wanted to read me two years ago.
When I was still seeking treatment, I did NOT want to read about people who adopted. One reason is that I only wanted to read about people who got pregnant using whatever treatment I myself was using. That meant clomid when we were using clomid, herbs when we were using herbs. Anything else depressed and/or scared me. Adoption, at that time, was the last possible option and I didn’t want to get to the end of the road. Also I have to admit that when I heard about people who adopted, I’d think, “Sell out. Caved to the pressure, eh?”
There are still some people who write and tell me that they think I could get pregnant. They say it like they’re handing me a present. I imagine this will happen less and less as Madison’s presence becomes sturdier. It’s strange to think that in awhile people will forget she came to us by an unusual route. It’s not like every entry about her will say, “My adopted child” or even “my child whose color is somewhat darker than the rest of our family.” I mean, she’ll just be my kid.
It’s weird to have crossed over. I don’t quite feel like a mom with two kids yet. Last night, I was watching them sleeping and thought how strange it was to have two kids, to be a family of four. When did that happen? How did that happen? I still can’t really believe that it’s true.
J. and I were discussing our different reasons for being nervous about the upcoming first visit and I was saying that when Madison is three, we’ll be really good at this because we’ll have worked out the bugs. And then I think that when she’s three maybe I’ll really believe that she’s here to stay, a permanent part of our family and how that will be.
I wanted to take some pictures today but I can’t remember where I put the camera. Hopefully I’ll find it tonight. We need some pictures of me with her but I’m always the one shooting so I haven’t been in any yet. Well, except for the blurry one Noah took of me in my pajamas and my mouth hanging open because I’m saying, “Noah! Don’t take my picture when I look like this!”
Edited to add: I lost track of what I wanted to say in here but basically, I understand if people who used to read me need to not read me for awhile or forever. I used to feel kinda guilty when I’d have to quit reading someone who was once a fellow infertile but now had a baby or two. Especially difficult was the once infertile with a surprise second pregnancy. So listen, if you need to drop me from your blogroll because you don’t have the emotional energy for Madison stories, please know that I respect that and totally understand.
April 16th, 2004 at 4:30 pm
For me, there were moments, like after a failed cycle or miscarriage, when certain blogs became more painful to read. But most of the time, I love reading them because despite being infertile, I never thought that I wouldn’t one day have children. There may be pangs of jealously, but overall, I’m so relieved when someone breaks free. There is so much to learn about parenting and I’m relieved that I hear what it’s like from real women.
April 16th, 2004 at 4:53 pm
When I’m feeling all sick and dizzy from the infertility roller coaster, you know where I go?
Here. And Family Bound. And Greener Pastures. Because when I can’t imagine a future in which my body gets its shit together long enough to produce a living human being, the idea of adoption sustains me, more than any pipe dreams of pregnancy. I need this place to remind me that there is a happy ending (or beginning), even after all the pain and horror and sadness of infertility and pregnancy loss.
I’ve said to Jilbur more than once: If I need a pick-me-up, I go to the adoption blogs. They buoy me up, and don’t engender any jealousy or other icky feelings. Just…joy.
You couldn’t keep me away from here with a pointy stick, Dawn.
April 16th, 2004 at 5:19 pm
You know, I’m not sure why, but I really don’t feel jealousy over women who I admire, and who’ve been through their own hell, successfully gaining a kid - through whatever means. And I promise I’m not blowing smoke.
It is hard sometimes to oooh and aahhh, but not too hard. And most of the time I’m just relieved and joyful for them because for once, FINALLY, something went right in the cosmos and a woman who deserves a child got one.
So, no, I won’t be quitting your blog.
April 16th, 2004 at 5:46 pm
I’ve been trying to have a baby for over 6 years and adoption was not on our radar. However, I started reading your blog a few weeks ago and rejoiced when your adoption went through. Then I sort of stopped reading. Pictures of your smiling baby and her big brother were painful for me - as you can understand. However, I’m glad I tuned in yesterday. If you have time, you can go read my blog entry for yesterday to see why. If not, suffice it to say that thanks to your sincere frankness in saying what you felt, you may have made a huge influence in my life. Thank you.
April 16th, 2004 at 7:28 pm
Well, we’re not doing anything in terms of fertility treatemnts (yet?) and maybe never will, so I don’t really fall into the audience in question. (All I’m trying to is figure out whether I’m ovulating, and make sure I get enough sleep so I”ll have the energy for sex… Ahem.)
Regardless, it doesn’t suck to read your blog. It tends to hearten me, even when it brings tears to my eyes. And when I don’t have the urge to read it (for a million reasons, not least of which are thigns like needing to bring in wood), well, I miss some entries–a day, a week, a month. It varies. Does it suck in turn that not all of your reasders can read it everyday? (Well, yeah, in that we shoujld have enough time for everything joyful, but aside from that…) See? Exactly.
April 16th, 2004 at 8:43 pm
I have a seven year old son. I am recently married for the first time (not to my son’s father). We have been trying to conceive for seven months now. This seems like a drop in the bucket in comparison to what some women have gone through, but for a mid-twenty something couple who expected things to just “happen”, we’re nearing the day of seeking medical assistance in order to conceive.
Giving my husband a child to raise together is the foremost desire in my heart, however, that child need not come from my body…but must only hold a spot in my heart.
We are currently in the process of becoming foster parents with an one intent being handed the choice to adopt IF the option becomes available to us.
To me, parenting isn’t about giving birth or adopting or foster. It is the love between a child and the person who loves him/her and meets his/her needs. Parenting comes in many shapes, forms, and arrangements.
April 17th, 2004 at 8:26 am
I have two kids eight years apart. Because of pcos, I was unable to conceive after the birth of my son. I never did go through fertility treatments because my insurance wouldn’t pay for them and we didn’t have the money. I did start looking into adoption. After about a year of research, my husband and I decided we wanted to adopt. Of course, we still needed money we didn’t have, but we were working on it. Then there was a new treatment for PCOS and a few months later, to our shock, I became pregnant with our daughter. I was happy, of course. But I also was surprised to find I was really sad about not adopting. I’d been reading blogs, books, getting info from adoption agencies- my dream of a daughter was an adopted toddler. I needed to adjust.
Here’s the other weird thing, I never, until she was about three months old, really believed my girl was really mine. For much of the pregnancy I was sure I would miscarry. After she was born, even though she looked like my father and my grandmother (in other words- unlike her brother- she looked like me) I kept having these irrational thoughts that the hospital had sent me home with someone else’s baby. Don’t get me wrong, I would have killed for her, but I was also holding back a bit. I was always checking in with myself, “If they came for her today, could I handle it?†The terrible post partum depression didn’t help.
When she was around three months old, I looked at her sleeping one day and the sweetest feeling settled into me- right through my bones, into my heart. I loved her and she was mine and she wasn’t going anywhere. I’d wanted a daughter for so long. Even after nine months of pregnancy, I hadn’t let myself be to too trusting that she was really mine. After so many years of wishing and knowing it would probably never happen, I think I was just trying to protect myself. And I have to say, even after the love bomb hit me, I think she was one year old before I quit thinking of her as the new addition and worrying I’d somehow lose her.
I hope it doesn’t feel like I’m diminishing your concerns about your girl. We did not adopt, so of course I can’t truly understand how you feel. But after my experience, I’ve wondered if other women who have suffered through years of infertility have a hard time believing that their baby is really there for good.
April 17th, 2004 at 9:21 am
You can take my Dawn when you pry it from my cold, dead computer. Or something like that.
Although I’m not a parent yet, I have confidence that I’ll get there eventually, and that confidence comes in part from people like you. What better way to reassure myself that I’m not out of options than to read the thoughts of people who have explored them first-hand?
When I need a reminder that it’s never easy to become a parent (unless we consider the drink-a-bottle-of-wine-and-writhe-like-drunken-lemurs option, which is off the table for many of us), I turn to you and Maria. Sites like Mollie’s and Eve’s reassure me that once my struggle ends, its payoff will be magnificent indeed. And sites like Julia’s and Mindy’s thrill me with their proof that even brilliant wackaloons can make excellent parents.
I need and love you all.
April 17th, 2004 at 10:49 am
Freaking, then squeaking
An update on my most recent freakout: I was concerned about the amount of Lupron that had been prescribed to me — twice as much as I’d been given in the past. For a couple of days I traded phone
April 17th, 2004 at 4:30 pm
The combination of so many years of primary infertility (I’m over ten so I dedided to stop counting down to the years, months and days!LOL) plus the fact that we have already adopted (although the adoption itself was fraught w/ so much heartache) is what makes it ok for me to read blogs like yours and not fall apart. There are momments that are hard but that is only because I wish I’d be at child #2 now and I know that whether biologically or through adoption I’d still have to wait at least a year or two (maybe). Besides, you have this way of writing(OH NO! I’m jumping on the Dawn adoration bandwagon but it can’t be helped…you “are” a good writer!LOL)that doesn’t “trigger” all those negative emotions in me. I’m also learning to not be so worried about sharing Ky through your views on open adoption. We are very open w/ the birth dad but have issues w/ birth mom so I’m always hanging on trying to see what happens between J and you and learning from that for the day Ky’s birthmom makes a reappearance. Besides…I’m totally hooked on you so is not like I’d have a choice anyway!LOL
April 17th, 2004 at 4:39 pm
Oh yeah…forgot to add…this is not to say that there are blogs I’ve had to stop reading for a while (to keep my sanity and my good will to humanity) but they usually fall into what I call “the perfect family option” categories. You know…she trieds for about two minutes and gets the baby boy she had always wanted to have first, her husband makes a million a year so there is no worry about money for adoption or fertility treatments if needed, AND after trying for ummm…three minutes the second time around she gets the girl they were were hoping to get all the while complaining that it has taken so long. See? I’m petty enough to let some of these perfection scenarios get to me but if she is a good writer I would probably return. You most definitely DO NOT fall in that category…I guess in my very petty, jealous moments I cling to the fact that you have paid your dues. I’m awful huh? I debated erasing this last one.
April 17th, 2004 at 4:52 pm
It does hurt a little. :o)
But I have to agree with the commenter who said, “You can take my Dawn when you pry it from my cold, dead computer. “
April 17th, 2004 at 5:09 pm
I’m on the other side of the fence. Here I am a woman who after so much heartbreak and frustration and fertility treatments finally got pregnant with my daughter and then had that “surprise” pregnance for my second one which you mention hurt you so much when you were trying to build your family. I’m responding because it’s good to read someone who is honest enough to say they had to stop reading some blogs because of that very reason. I KNOW I lost quite a few readers who are still trying to build their families when I announced my 2nd pregnancy and while I’m sorry to cause them pain, I completely understand why they feel the way they do. I did too before it happened to me.
Now, I often feel like an unwanted cheerleader when reading TTC blogs. I mean, who am I to say I understand what these women are going through when I’m sitting here pregnant with my second child? The thing is, the pain of infertility and all I went through doesn’t go away after you have those children, but it puts you in a very strange predicament. You don’t feel like a “normal” mom who never went through anything to get pg and yet you are no longer “infertile” either. It’s a very strange position to be in. I’m sure you feel much the same way now that you’ve become a family of four, no matter HOW you became that family.
Now I can’t help it, I still continue to read blogs of women who are adopting or TTC because I just want for them what I’ve been so fortunate to experience — motherhood.
April 17th, 2004 at 10:55 pm
After 4 miscarriages in 1 1/2 years, my doc thinks he found the *problem* so I am not seeking fertility treatment but have had fertility issues. It is not hard for me to read you for 2 reasons: (1) I am not ready to adopt. I try to listen to what’s going on inside and my inside says I’m not there yet. And (2) you have waited for another child, and pained for another for so long that I can only be happy for you. And when I am really needing to see the positive side (that I will have another child someday) I think of you or come see what’s up because after all you’ve been through, “See it can happen, even to us.”
April 18th, 2004 at 11:16 am
I love reading your blog, and Transitions, and Family Bound, and others because it gives me a personal picture of different kinds of adoption - how they play out, what the joys and struggles are. Though I’ve gathered lots of data about what types of adoption are available, how to do them, how much they cost, this personal side is a very important piece to me as well. I’m so glad you are willing to share - and I won’t be going away, either.
April 18th, 2004 at 7:08 pm
Dawn–I love your blog because I find it so inspiring. You’ve handled all of this with such humanity and grace that it makes the concept of adoption a little less foreign to me.
I can’t thank you enough for sharing this experience.
April 19th, 2004 at 2:54 am
Actually, your blog schooled me a lot about adoption at the time when we were trying to figure out where to go next after IVF failed. And, who knows, we may be headed down an adoption route one day in the near or not so near future, and I wanna know how things keep going, so I plan to keep on reading …
April 20th, 2004 at 12:37 am
I’ve just stumbled across you today. I’m in my 5th year of primary infertility and am doing my 2nd round of IVF this summer. I have never considered domestic adoption but have considered (and still am considering) foreign adoption. I’m thrilled to see another side of it. It’s a little like trying it on for size, so thanks.