Yesterday was hard
Apr 10, 2004 Parenting
Yesterday I woke up still a little angry at Noah for the restless, unhappy night although I didn’t want to be angry anymore. After I had a very necessary cup of coffee, he and I sat down together and cried and hugged on each other. We agreed that Madison is wonderful but that it’s hard having a new person in the family; we said we missed each other. I think we both felt better afterwards.
My universe must have heard me whining because my mother-in-law called in the early afternoon to ask if she could come hold the baby. When she arrived I was able to take a long, hot shower and catch up quick on the baby laundry. Noah loved having a new audience for all of his magic tricks (new being relative since she’s seen them before but not every day for the past few weeks like Brett and I have). My friend L. (I have three friends named L. so I’ll add that she’s the mother of Noah’s best friend) came over with a plethora of delicious, nutritious food. She made this pumpkin seed chili that her niece invented, which is so-o-o-o-o good and then a ton of other things that will get us through the weekend. Then last night I went over to a friend’s for a couple of hours for her craft night and rocked the baby and laughed and generally got recharged. It felt so good.
When I first moved back to Columbus, we only had the one car (Columbus is not a friendly town for people without a car) so I was trapped at home all of the time. The internet was a really valuable social outlet for me and probably saved me from some depression. As anyone knows who has spent time on email lists or bulletin boards, they can be a great resource but the drama can suck up all the good energy in your life if you let it. One well-placed post on, say, circumcision or non-coercive parenting can ruin your whole week.
What saved me was finally getting to the neighborhood La Leche League group. Clintonville LLL is full of funky, smart, feminist women and pretty much all of my current friends start from there. Not that I met every single one through LLL, but if I didn’t it’s likely that I met them through someone I met at LLL.
I like my friends a lot. They’re strong, thoughtful, centered and kind. We’ve made different parenting choices when it comes to birthing and feeding and schooling but what binds us is a commitment to our kids and a willingness to look at ourselves and our choices critically.
Except for a baby on the way, Madison will likely be the youngest in our group so together we’ve grown from mamas of lap babies to mothers of young children. The shape of our lives has changed to reflect the new needs of our families. Some of us have jobs now, some of us have changed our family make-up, some of us have more or less money, etc. We’ve all had different kinds of crisis. And we’re all still friends. Any time I feel like a big stupid loser I say, “But could a big stupid loser get to hang out with such fabulous women? No, they wouldn’t so I must be pretty swell.”
It means a lot to me to have a community to share this part of my life with me. I hope that when Noah is heading off to college and Madison is shaving her head to look cool that they’re all still around. They’re part of my family and they’re part of my children’s family, too.
April 10th, 2004 at 4:44 pm
Its great to have good mumsy friends to parent alongside isnt it especially when they are committed to their children in the way that you are. It takes the isolation out of parenting.
April 11th, 2004 at 4:20 pm
Okay, just to get this out of the way - You have 3 friends whose names start with L and you started all these friendships through LLL.
Heh. Sorry, that’s just very funny to me.
Now, on to what I actually wanted to say.
Years upon years ago I… heard or read or whatever this story of a woman and her life-long female friends. It became very important to me to cultivate friendships with amazing, strong, just thoroughly awesome women.
Sure, over the years some have come and some have gone, but I know exactly what you mean by not being so hard on yourself when you look at them… Every now and then I just have to stop and say, “Well, I must not be doing so awfully if loves/respects/enjoys hanging out with me.”
April 11th, 2004 at 4:21 pm
Okay, just to get this out of the way - You have 3 friends whose names start with L and you started all these friendships through LLL.
Heh. Sorry, that’s just very funny to me.
Now, on to what I actually wanted to say.
Years upon years ago I… heard or read or whatever this story of a woman and her life-long female friends. It became very important to me to cultivate friendships with amazing, strong, just thoroughly awesome women.
Sure, over the years some have come and some have gone, but I know exactly what you mean by not being so hard on yourself when you look at them… Every now and then I just have to stop and say, “Well, I must not be doing so awfully if ::insert any Goddess Friend’s name here:: loves/respects/enjoys hanging out with me.”
April 11th, 2004 at 4:43 pm
informative blog
April 12th, 2004 at 10:16 am
Oh, I know just what you mean. I met all of my very best friends through LLL. Well, one I met online, but her MIL is a LLL leader so I think I would have met her anyway eventually. It really is nice having a group who parent in similar ways and look at raising children the same way. I love it when we’re out somewhere and there might be 3 or 4 of us nursing our toddlers at the same time…we get some looks, for sure, but we love the impact that must make on people, making them think.
Errr, sorry, forgot this is your blog, not mine!
April 12th, 2004 at 3:17 pm
When my second son was about to be born, Luke, at almost 4, was just beside himself with excitement. He couldn’t wait for his very own baby brother. And once Jake got here, Luke tried to hold onto that excitement, only… babies don’t actually do very much. And after a few days of that, he was extremely grumpy and frustrated… I think he was half-expecting a toddeler to show up to play with him.
The best tip someone gave me (I don’t know if it would work for anyone else) was to let Luke do as much with his brother as possible, and always refer to the baby as “his” — it went a long way to making Luke feel special because that baby belonged to him. (He still feels that way, at 21 about his 17 year old brother.)
April 14th, 2004 at 10:00 am
so I didn’t get an “S.”–just kidding, I am mainly posting because you said your hometown friends often do not. And, I, too, have that down feeling, and feel better when I realize my friends seem to still like me (I, too, sometimes guage this by whether they seem to want me around!) no matter what I do…