Beloved Snakehaired Girl said:
Apr 30, 2004 Feminism/Politics, Parenting
Ok, so we know better than to judge others on their practices, but HOW HOW HOW do we not get defensive? How do we defend ourselves when someone is visiting their ideals and practices on us? What is a gracious yet powerful way to let someone else know to back off? Or do we just nod our heads and let it pass?
I have no idea. I know I get more defensive if there’s a lot of emotion behind my decision. For example, there is a certain population of people who upon hearing I’ve adopted first thing ask, “Are you nursing?” And that question kinda makes me go through the roof. Not, “How are you?” not, “How’s the baby?” No, the complexity of this adoption experience for them all comes down to whether or not Madison is getting breastmilk. I get way defensive about that but then it taps into my insecurities.
As you all know, I wrestled a lot with that decision and ultimately decided to do it but not to spend a lot of emotional energy in preparation. Then Madison came and as it turns out, for reasons I’ve only hinted at here, we’re not nursing. I’m sad about it. I wish it were different. I’ve had to struggle to feel like a good mother anyway. Criticism around that seems downright cruel to me because the people handing out their uninvited opinions don’t know a damn thing about the background (and this, my friends, is why I wrote that bit for Brain, Child).
On the up side, I now assume that everyone has emotional baggage that has led them to their decisions, too, and this has made me much nicer. On the down side, I’ve become even less tolerant of people who are so mired in their limited world view that they can’t at least take a small step into understanding. In other words, while I’ve become less judgmental, I am worse at shrugging off other people’s judgment with any grace.
There are other issues that don’t get my goat at all. Homeschooling, for example. People can visit their feelings about that on me and I don’t care. The decision to homeschool Noah has been such a good one that I don’t have any doubts; I am 100% happy with our homeschooling. Well, maybe 97%. No, 98.5%. I am the picture of serene composure in heated homeschool discussions. Debates about its merits and drawbacks are enjoyable mental exercise — I have no desire to win people to my camp or convince them I’m right. I just don’t care.
When it comes to the tough stuff, more and more I’m leaning towards telling people that unless they’re living my life, they can’t understand my decisions and I don’t ask them to. But I do ask them to respect that I’m a thoughtful, loving, intelligent parent and while they may not agree with my decisions, they should appreciate that they were the right ones for me. And there are a lot of people that I simply won’t engage in a discussion about certain subjects. I know that among some lactivists, for example, there is no good reason not to relactate for a baby. I can’t expect them to even try to understand my life and so I won’t get into it with them.
If they won’t follow the All Faith Help Creed, I’m not going to let them stop me from doing it.
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Tags: homeschool, Homeschooling, Madison, Noah
I’m just not sure
Apr 30, 2004 Writing
I’m not sure what to do about my blog. I get like this every few months, where I think it’s become too much of a Linus security blanket. Usually what this means is that my blog — my life — is in transition.
I’m feeling a bit disgruntled about all of this writing stuff. Yesterday I got out my laptop and I looked at it and I looked at Madison about to snuffle awake in the swing and realized that I needed to use this time to hang out the diapers so I put the laptop away.
I feel a little bit like a kid pressing my nose up against the window of a candy store watching all the other kids sucking on lollipops and chewing salt water taffy. I’m stuck here in postpartum land.
What helps is remembering that my writing life is waiting patiently for me. With Noah it was much harder because I didn’t think I would ever get myself back. Now I know that it just takes time and that this investment here at the beginning is worth it.
Meanwhile, I keep wondering what will happen to this blog. I don’t want to just post pictures forever. What will I write about next? I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.
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Another picture entry
Apr 29, 2004 Parenting
–Yesterday outside the conservatory
–And a cute close-up at home
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I almost want to write again!
Apr 28, 2004 Writing
Note I said almost. Madison is four weeks as of yesterday and it’s not like I have the time to do much but I can feel the urge come creeping in. I have two pieces I want to work on and I just might start trying to do it. I also need to contact the editors of that article that was due around the time Madison arrived and see what my new deadline is. The entire time I was worried about J. and worried about Madison, a little chunk of my brain was also worried about that article. It was a huge relief when they let me off the hook, especially since I was the idiot who accepted the assignment knowing what J.’s duedate was. I guess, as I told my editor, I never really expected to have a baby at the end of all this.
Brett is off today so we’re going to Blooms and Butterflies. Madison smiled at me for several minutes after I changed her diaper this morning. The sun is shining.
I think it’s going to be a good day.
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And for fellow pro-choicers
Apr 27, 2004 Feminism/Politics
JenEx helps me feel good about quitting Curves. Ok, in truth I did it because I don’t have a chance to get there anymore but I’m gonna write and tell ‘em it’s because of this.
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Tags: Erica
