I didn’t update because I was at the hospital! Thank you so much for the well wishes; I’m saving all of them in case we get the privilege of parenting Madison. They will be a really special keepsake for her. And I told J. that across the country, people were thinking of her.
On to the hospital update! I didn’t expect to visit J. since she originally didn’t really want us there but then our social worker called and told me that I might get a call. Noah was at my sister’s so I could get my article done (ummm, yeah, it’ll be a late night tonight!) leaving me free to say “Yes!” when J. asked if I would come by.
(Re., the childcare: Noah is not sure about meeting the baby with an audience and we’re also trying to be really clear that this is still an up-in-the-air thing so we’d rather he not meet Madison until the papers — if they are signed — are signed. We did get pictures however and he pronounced her “cute” and then said J. didn’t look like he expected.
“What did you expect?” I asked.
He shrugged. “Nothing, really, so that’s why it was a surprise.”)
J. is very very extremely tired but doing well and pleased as punch. She is awfully proud of Madison as well she should be. Madison is absolutely glowingly beautiful and so damn big! She weighs two pounds more than Noah did (and is an inch longer) and babies that size look like they’re about three months old!!!
She looks a lot like J. — same nose and same face shape. She has a ton of hair. And she has really big feet and long fingers! (J.’s brother is tall so perhaps this speaks to future height!) She is also one sleepy baby, which is understandable.
We did end up sending flowers after talking to her friends and checking in with her social worker. So far, our boundaries have been very good and I hope that J. has the room she needs to make her decision.
I’m absolutely exhausted and emotionally wrung out. I don’t know if we’ll be invited for another visit (Brett didn’t get to go because he was at work) but having this one was a blessing. Even if J. chooses to parent, it means a lot to me to have a picture to put to Madison.
The other thing I wanted to mention is how it was clear to me as I rocked Madison that I am still — as they say on the adoption boards — guarding my heart. She certainly doesn’t feel like my baby yet and part of me is sad — I wanted an instant flood of love — but part of me is feeling patient. If Madison comes home with us, I’m going to snuggle up and kiss every little part of her and let myself fall in love. For now this distance makes sense but it does bring me some sorrow.
This morning when I stepped out on my deck I saw that the forsythia had bloomed. It’s like it woke up just to welcome Madison to the world.
Possibly related posts:
Oh Dawn, I am reading with tears in my eyes and hope in my heart that Madison will come home to you. I know how you feel about not flooding with love. We adopted our daughter in December and even though we adopted internationally and there was no risk of anyone changing their minds, it has still taken time to get to that overwhelming love that I had right away for my birth sons (of course, I had 9 months to get to know them as they grew inside me). It isn’t talked about much, but falling in love doesn’t always happen immediately, and you shouldn’t worry about it. It freaked me out a bit at first, but after talking to many adoptive mom friends, I found that it is very normal. I am so very happy that you were able to hold Madison in your arms today and I will be holding my breath and checking in non-stop for the next few days. Update whenever you can.
I am so very happy that you had this experience…no matter what happens.
Wow, Dawn, this is huge. I am all teary after reading your latest entry, and I can’t even comprehend what you, your husband, and J are going through. This is amazing! And I’m glad we get to be a part of this…even if it is just through the pages of a blog. As always, all of you are in my thoughts.
Oh, Dawn, I’ve been thinking of you all day. My husband, Dan is so excited for you, too (I keep updating him, too!). We both hope that all works out for the best, that what will be, will be. Blessings to ALL of you, darlin’. My heart is with you.
Oh Dawn I’ve been waiting for an update all day. What a lucky little baby Madison is, to have so many who love her.
Oh, I am crying. I’m so happy that you got to hold Madison today, I hope you can hold her forever. I snuck away from a family dinner to check on you, I have to run now. We had a candle lit for all of you today and it will be lit tomorrow as well…
I am so glad to be right. ;o)
I’m just sitting here staring at the screen, enjoying the happy feeling in my heart.
And I’m thinking that whatever J. decides, I’d like the opportunity to send her something. I don’t even know what. But you’ve done such a great job of honoring the birth mother that I feel more compelled to send her stuff then you. Which is pretty silly, in a way. But kind-of neat, too.
OH Dawn…you are wonderful! -Strong, brave, vulnerable, loving, and honest! I am happy for you and scared for you. I will send all the positive energy I can spare!
Oh this is so exciting!
Dawn, I am just crying with joy for you. I’m so glad to hear that you met Madison and took her picture. You will all be in our thoughts and prayers in the next few days.
Congratulations from Japan! I hope everything works out for you.
I’m usually pretty quiet but I read you daily. My heart is with you, i’m on the edge of my seat for you…
I’ve got my fingers crossed for you guys, and believe that whatever is meant to be will be.
Oh, Dawn, I’m in tears.
You are so strong and brave to go through this with such common sense and generosity. I hope if I ever get the chance I can be even half the person you are. Thinking and praying for you all!
Dawn:
I’m considering open adoption at some point,and your blog has been such a joy to read. I really admire your concern for J – birthmothers have gotten such a raw deal for such a long time (and often still do). You’ll be in my prayers. Congratulations!
p.s. I know this probably isn’t the time, but if you’d like more people who are open to discussing their infertility, feel free to e-mail me sometime. Both my DH and I ar infertile, and pursuing ART, so far unsuccessfully. We will pursue adoption at some point because even if IVF works, we won’t do it twice.
Dawn,
I’m teary eyed reading this update. All the best to you, Brett, Noah, J. and Madison. I’m praying that this hospital visit was just the first of many times you get to hold that beautiful baby girl.
Oh, wow. Of course you’re wrung out! I can only imagine what this is like. Thinking about you all, hoping for good things for everyone.
Dawn,
Oh my. Oh my oh my! Welcome Madison!! I’m so thrilled she’s here and that you got to have a visit with her already. I’m hoping with everything in me for the perfect outcome for everyone.
Dawn, I am just sooooo excitedly happy for you! Between you and Maria, it seems like everything is falling into place as it should be, and I keep you all in my prayers (especially little Madison as she would be soooo lucky to have a mom like you!)
Dawn,
I have been reading your blog for months, but have never really had the urge to comment. You say all that needs to be said.
On this day, though, I want you to know that there is another person out here thinking about and praying for you, J, Madison, Brett, and Noah.
B
OH Dawn…you are wonderful! -Strong, brave, vulnerable, loving, and honest! I am happy for you and scared for you. I will send all the positive energy I can spare!