I also wonder why we would like it to be commonplace for men “…stay home and participate more fully in the raising of their children…” Why do we want men to stay home? If we don’t want women to stay home, why do we want men to? Do we want all the women who are lawyers and professors to give up their careers and stay home? No? Then why do we want men to? Why should men give up their “40K jobs” and stay home if women should not?

This is exactly where the argument falls apart for me. I do not believe that mothers should be primarily concerned about what makes them happiest. I also do not believe that throwing young children - babies as young as 8 weeks old - into daycare is raising them in an atmosphere of “love and respect”.

If staying home to take care of her child is going to cause a woman to resent her child, I believe she needs to strongly think about not having children. Of course mothers should be concerned about their happiness. Unhappy mothers make unhappy children. I just don’t think that the happiness of the mother should come at the expense of the children. Children were never meant to be raised in institutions.

I do not believe a mother needs to be the primary caretaker once a child is weaned (and yes, I do believe that all mothers who can should breastfeed). Fathers also make excellent caretakers and I admire the families who have been able to work out careers that allow both parents to be able to pursue their careers while sharing child raising responsibilities.

I’m also a realist. While it would be wonderful if my boys could find careers that allow them to stay home and participate more fully in the raising of their children, I don’t think this happens for the majority of men. Perhaps by the time my children are grown it will be more commonplace.

This wasn’t exactly what we planned when we got married, or when we had our child — not exactly a *choice* we made — but when the dot.com world went bust, and things shook out, I had a job and he didn’t. Well, what would Beth have us do then? Me give up my 40K job and stay doggedly stay home with the nipper because I’m a girl, and him flip burgers for minimum wage because God wants him to?

It’s not all feminist agenda and gender issues, is my point here, although in fact I am a feminist and am raising my little Aikido warrior child to be one as well. A great deal of it is simply how life plays out.

While being a mother is one of the most important roles in my life, it is not my ONLY role. I am a mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister, employee…etc etc etc. After a number of years of taking little care of myself and feeling *guilt* for not being the perfect sterotypical mom who is home baking cookies when their children arrived home from school, I have decided that my children are much happier- when I am happier with myself.

Paying attention to my needs (obviously NOT at the expense of anyone else’s - but giving them equal time) has I think had a positive impact on my relationship with my children.

I am extremely lucky in that my husband stays home full time, so my *choices* haven’t had to be quite as extreme as many working women’s.. (I should say working outside the HOME women..Gosh knows ALL women work- LOL!) Frankly, he is a better stay at home parent then I would be- as he has far more patience and isn’t quite as obsessive as I can tend to be. Additionally, I left private practice to work inhouse at a corporation- so have much more free time at the moment.

I hope that our relationship gives my children a positive example of a couple doing what works for THEM to make their family work- and not just falling into the traditional stereotypes… (which may work for some people..but certainly not for all.)