Feminism and homeschooling
Mar 18, 2004 Feminism/Politics, Homeschooling
I got marginally involved in the discussion around an entry at this blog about being a feminist homeschooler. I like what Sarah (the author of the blog) has to say but I take issue with the comments of Beth, who writes,
I expect my boys to grow up to be men who support their families. I talk about them having wives and children. I talk about them going to work while their wives stay home with their children and how they need to have jobs to support their families.I have a hard time reconciling all of this sometimes. I guess I believe that WOMEN have choices in their lives but that by choosing to become a MOTHER they need to make other choices that fit that role. I don’t believe that women (or men) can have it all (as the magazine articles are constantly stating they can).
I don’t know whether or not Beth considers herself a feminist or if she considers her homeschooling a feminist statement (and here I need to point out that I am a feminist and my homeschooling is a feminist statement) so I’m not here to blast her — she has a right to her opinion — but I did want to use her statements as a way to jump off into a post about my own beliefs.
I certainly don’t expect Noah to grow up and work while his wife stays home with their children mainly because it assumes that I know more about Noah’s appropriate gender role than he does. It assumes that he will get married, that it will be a heterosexual marriage, and that this marriage will produce children. It assumes that work happens at work and that staying at home precludes paid work.
Listen, I would be one unhappy housewife if I couldn’t write. Fortunately, my partner believes that my happiness is important enough that he helps create opportunity for me to write. Likewise, I create opportunity for him to do the things that are important to him. Our decision to homeschool came about because we felt that this was best for Noah and a huge part of our homeschooling lives is a tremendous amount of respect for Noah’s play and his interests. In other words, together as a family we do what we can to make sure that each of us gets to do what his or her heart desires and this is the most important value that informs our work/family configuration. Importantly, as a feminist family, the fact that I’m a woman does not lessen my right to be happy.
In practical ways this means that I get a lot of time to write and I don’t have to fight for it. I don’t get as much time as I’d like, however, because it also means that I have an obligation to do what I can to help Noah and Brett find their happiness. I spend a lot of time hanging out with Noah and running him around. I also do more traditional “woman’s work” than I want — like cooking and grocery shopping. This is because to put this on Brett would be too heavy a burden; it’s easier for me to do it. On the other hand, Brett and I do pretty much equal amounts of cleaning. I do more of some things (dusting) and he does more of others (toilet scrubbing) and the laundry is something with which we all struggle to keep up.
I hope that when Noah is an adult that he will remember that his happiness is important but no more important than the happiness of the other members of his family. I hope that he will bring creativity and commitment to discovering ways that everyone gets their needs met but I don’t pretend to know how that will look.
Finally, Beth’s statement that “I believe that WOMEN have choices in their lives but that by choosing to become a MOTHER they need to make other choices that fit that role” assumes that there are choices that are more motherly than other choices.
I think that both extremes — child away from mother in non-kinship care and child at home with isolated mother — are industrial creations and so it’s no wonder that so many of us are conflicted.
I think what’s likely the most “motherly” thing is a child with access to his or her mother who has access to her work but most of us end up having to make more extreme choices.
As a feminist, I believe that it’s vitally important that we don’t assume that our sex defines our gender roles — obviously — so I trust every woman to make sense of the demands of both her family and her self. However, I also believe that we as a culture do a poor job of helping women do this so it’s no wonder that many of us end up with family configurations that work for no one.
I feel damn fortunate that I get to work and be home and this is possible because 1) fabulous luck in choosing a husband; 2) a great social support system; 3) one kick-ass feminist role model in my own mother. But it’s also taken a willingness to turn away from cultural definitions of how to do it “right.”
It turns out that I do have it all; it just doesn’t look like the magazines told me it would.
March 18th, 2004 at 5:23 pm
Interesting - when you say your homeschooling is a feminist statement, do you mean it is your primary reason for homeschooling? Because even though I’m a feminist homeschooler, feminism (apart from a general distaste of letting ‘the system’ raise my kids) isn’t up on my top 5 list. It pervades and informs a lot of my top 5 reasons, and as I noted on my blog, feminism predesposed me to homeschooling.
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I know that in the comments I agreed with Beth’s statement about mothers making appropriate choices, and I would like to elaborate. I am uncomfortable with the kind of children-as-objects thinking that goes on in much of our culture. I dislike the parenting I see in which the parents’ happiness (ie, pursuits outside the family) are given such weight that parents don’t even ask questions about ‘normal’ choices. If they do some thinking and decide to send the kids to school, fine.
Also, making choices as a mother, rather than as a women, does not imply that the person in question MUST stay home full time and have no other interests or work. It just, for me at least, I can’t speak for Beth, means that I’d like to see more conscious and thoughtful parenting, whatever the choices end up being.
Must run.
March 18th, 2004 at 6:05 pm
It upsets me that people forget that feminism is about choices. Choosing to become a stay at home mom or a working mom is one of the decision we make. Granted, some women do not have the luxury of making this choice, but regardless, we should support these women’s choice either way.
Choosing to become a mother does not mean that one’s life is neatly planned out. One has choices as to whether or not one stays at home or goes to work. Beth says that “by choosing to become a MOTHER they need to make other choices that fit that roleâ€.
What is the role that we need to fit? Is it the role of the 1950’s suburban housewife? Is it the role of the modern career woman? On the other hand, is it the role that will make the mother the happiest and thereby raising her child in an atmosphere of love and respect instead of resentment?
All to often these arguments forget to take the happiness and well being of both parties involved, that is of the child AND the child’s primary caregiver (usually the mother). Some people in this society all to often see women as nothing but a uterus, a walking incubator, and when that role is ended, as primary caregiver. These people do not take into consideration that there is a brain attached to the uterus that is capable of thoughts and feelings.
March 18th, 2004 at 6:20 pm
Right the hell on, Dawn. You articulated beautifully what I carried about all fuzzy-like in my head.
A thousand times yes, from a future feminist homeschooler.
March 19th, 2004 at 8:13 am
Being a 33 year old mother at 3- who also happens to be a lawyer who works out of the home full time, I take exception to Beth’s remarks.
While being a mother is one of the most important roles in my life, it is not my ONLY role. I am a mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister, employee…etc etc etc. After a number of years of taking little care of myself and feeling *guilt* for not being the perfect sterotypical mom who is home baking cookies when their children arrived home from school, I have decided that my children are much happier- when I am happier with myself.
Paying attention to my needs (obviously NOT at the expense of anyone else’s - but giving them equal time) has I think had a positive impact on my relationship with my children.
I am extremely lucky in that my husband stays home full time, so my *choices* haven’t had to be quite as extreme as many working women’s.. (I should say working outside the HOME women..Gosh knows ALL women work- LOL!) Frankly, he is a better stay at home parent then I would be- as he has far more patience and isn’t quite as obsessive as I can tend to be.
Additionally, I left private practice to work inhouse at a corporation- so have much more free time at the moment.
I hope that our relationship gives my children a positive example of a couple doing what works for THEM to make their family work- and not just falling into the traditional stereotypes… (which may work for some people..but certainly not for all.)
March 19th, 2004 at 9:13 am
What a great closing line! It would make an excellent title for an essay. Or a book.
March 20th, 2004 at 8:14 pm
I’m a mother, but I’m also a professor. My husband’s a father who stays home with our daughter.
This wasn’t exactly what we planned when we got married, or when we had our child — not exactly a *choice* we made — but when the dot.com world went bust, and things shook out, I had a job and he didn’t. Well, what would Beth have us do then? Me give up my 40K job and stay doggedly stay home with the nipper because I’m a girl, and him flip burgers for minimum wage because God wants him to?
It’s not all feminist agenda and gender issues, is my point here, although in fact I am a feminist and am raising my little Aikido warrior child to be one as well. A great deal of it is simply how life plays out.
March 22nd, 2004 at 2:30 pm
>On the other hand, is it the role that will make >the mother the happiest and thereby raising her >child in an atmosphere of love and respect >instead of resentment?
This is exactly where the argument falls apart for me. I do not believe that mothers should be primarily concerned about what makes them happiest. I also do not believe that throwing young children - babies as young as 8 weeks old - into daycare is raising them in an atmosphere of “love and respect”.
If staying home to take care of her child is going to cause a woman to resent her child, I believe she needs to strongly think about not having children. Of course mothers should be concerned about their happiness. Unhappy mothers make unhappy children. I just don’t think that the happiness of the mother should come at the expense of the children. Children were never meant to be raised in institutions.
I do not believe a mother needs to be the primary caretaker once a child is weaned (and yes, I do believe that all mothers who can should breastfeed). Fathers also make excellent caretakers and I admire the families who have been able to work out careers that allow both parents to be able to pursue their careers while sharing child raising responsibilities.
I’m also a realist. While it would be wonderful if my boys could find careers that allow them to stay home and participate more fully in the raising of their children, I don’t think this happens for the majority of men. Perhaps by the time my children are grown it will be more commonplace.
May 17th, 2004 at 8:05 pm
I wonder why it is that if a woman stays home and her husband works outside the home, it’s said that that falling into tradional stereotypes, but if the husband stays home and the wife works out of the home, it’s said that they’re doing what’s right for them. Why couldn’t it be that the first couple is doing what’s right for them?
I also wonder why we would like it to be commonplace for men “…stay home and participate more fully in the raising of their children…” Why do we want men to stay home? If we don’t want women to stay home, why do we want men to? Do we want all the women who are lawyers and professors to give up their careers and stay home? No? Then why do we want men to? Why should men give up their “40K jobs” and stay home if women should not?