Focus
I have interviews scheduled for the rest of the week all around our usual classes and appointments. If I haven’t gotten back to you to set up a time, I’m still hoping to but am feeling slightly swamped. I want to start writing in earnest this weekend but that doesn’t mean I’ll be done researching.
I talked to our social worker, Denise, yesterday. I wanted to hear more about the kind of counseling that potential birth mothers receive before placement. She says it varies with the needs/wants of each birth mother.
There is some mandatory counseling, especially at the very beginning and then after the baby is born and the mom rethinks her decision. I asked our social worker what that looks like. At that first session they discuss with the potential birth mother why she is considering adoption and then try to see if her reasons are things that are “fixable.” For example, a potential birth mother who is creating an adoption plan because she’s broke or because she’s arguing with her parents might be choosing “a permanent solution for a temporary problem.” (This is a line I hear a lot so I think it must be official adoption lingo.) At the hospital, they do it all again since having the baby in arms makes for a complete reevaluation of what is driving her adoption decision.
“If it’s just about money,” said my social worker. “We try to help her figure out a way to parent anyway; nobody should give up a baby because they’re poor.”
Another thing I’ve discovered in my latest meanderings through adoption literature and web sites is that potential birth mothers who have seriously considered parenting and then rejected it are more likely to feel good about their adoption plan and less likely to have regrets should they place their children. This makes sense, doesn’t it? I asked my social worker this and she said yes, which is why that first session includes trying to help the birth mother figure out a way to keep her baby despite whatever obstacles she’s experiencing.
I wish I could see one of these counseling sessions in action. I wish I could learn more about their policies. You know, the kind of thing that you only know if you work there — the behind closed doors stuff.
I talked to Maria (as I said) the other night and told her that as I’ve been reading more about adoption, I totally get her decision not to use an agency. I didn’t realize how different agencies can be. I think that ours is a good one — obviously or I wouldn’t be using them — but I’ve been reading some other adoption stories where the agencies are clearly just out to make a buck no matter who gets hurt.
When I look at some of the private adoption stories, I think it looks exhausting. All of that networking!!! Ack!!! But from what Maria says, it doesn’t have to be that hard if you do your homework.
What I’m saying is, again, there are a lot of ways to bring a baby/child home to your family so should you choose the adoption route, don’t get discouraged. There’s a way that’s right for you.
This is interesting, because I’ve been wondering about the best way to answer future “why did my birthmother give me to you people?” questions (when/if the birthmother isn’t around to answer them herself). I have been feeling very unhappy about the possibility it could just be money. That just feels SO wrong. I’d love to hear more about what you discover, or any good resources you stumble across that do a good job of telling birthmothers’ stories.
It makes complete sense that a woman who’s fully explored her options before chosing would then feel more comfortable with her choice…. It seems unspeakably sad that… so often other concerns get in the way of her having that chance.
I love the internet. I may have said this before, but I feel really blessed to have an ongoing peek into your life as you go through this process…
My grandmother’s “adoption” experience (believe me, the quotes are warranted) has led to a family-wide distrust of the entire concept. I always thought there had to be more to it, and journals like yours have helped me a great deal.
So, thank you.