One more thing
Mar 31, 2004 Adoption
I just wanted to add that adoption is really hard. When people tell you, “Oh if you can’t have babies, just adopt!” They don’t know what they’re talking about. This is hard. I’m happy (obviously) to be doing it and if Madison doesn’t come home with us Friday, I will get back in that damn pool and wait for the next match but it’s hard. And if I wasn’t ready to be doing it, it’d be way too hard to do.
This is such a surreal experience and I do feel really lucky to be having it; I’m not saying for one minute that I have any regrets. I want our baby to come exactly this way but getting from there — when I was working for a bio baby — to here wasn’t exactly a hop, skip or a jump.
We are doing this because we want to do this and that includes all the ucky parts. Frankly, being at the hospital this much is emotionally difficult and if I had my way, I’d be hiding under the bed until J. signs the papers. But this is what I need to do at this point and so I’m putting my heart out there because both J. and Madison deserve to have me do that — I owe it to them. If I wasn’t ready yet, if I wasn’t 100% ready for an adoption, this would be way too excrutiating and I don’t think I could manage it.
So for those of you who aren’t there yet or who might not ever be there, next time someone tells you to “just adopt” you tell them that you talked to a potential (hopefully you can skip that “potential” part soon) adoptive parent and she said that they should go to hell. That’s an official Go To Hell from someone who knows whereof she speaks. I’ve talked to some people who feel a little (or a lot) guilty about not being ready to adopt and I will tell you now that your guilt is unwarranted.
When and if you dobecome ready, you’ll know you’re ready because the scary parts will still be scary but not insurmountably scary. You may still grieve the loss of your dreamed-of bio baby but it will not eclipse your dream of an adopted baby. And when and if you’re ready, you will say, “Wow, this is really great but I can totally see why it’s absolutely insane to tell people to ‘just adopt.’”
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Tags: at the hospital, Madison
Quickly checking in
Mar 31, 2004 Adoption
I am so-o-o-o-o-o tired!!!
Noah did end up meeting Madison today. After discussing it with Brett we decided that we wanted him to have the opportunity to meet Madison with J. and that we didn’t want him to be there when we go to pick Madison up because as of now, J. wants to be the one to hand her to us. We know that this will be really emotional and difficult and we’d rather that Noah not be included. I want his memories of J. and Madison in the hospital to be very positive, no matter what happens.
Noah thinks Madison is pretty damn cute in spite of himself. He wouldn’t hold her and was even too shy to touch her but he took a lot of pictures. He was especially charmed when she did a volcanic poop as only a newborn baby can and he liked her little monkey feet. (Madison has extremely long toes and fingers!) He liked J., too, which made me really happy.
Madison is a dream baby. J. is a dream first mother. To get them in our lives, to get to be Madison’s parents — my gosh. I keep expecting to wake up and find out it isn’t really going to happen.
I know that there will be conflict at some point with J. because that’s the nature of relationships. We talked about that today and talked about our commitment to working through whatever comes up because Madison deserves that. She deserves J. in her life and whatever I can do to make sure that happens, I’ll do it.
Ok. I’m off to bed.
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Melanie, you were right!
Mar 30, 2004 Adoption
I didn’t update because I was at the hospital! Thank you so much for the well wishes; I’m saving all of them in case we get the privilege of parenting Madison. They will be a really special keepsake for her. And I told J. that across the country, people were thinking of her.
On to the hospital update! I didn’t expect to visit J. since she originally didn’t really want us there but then our social worker called and told me that I might get a call. Noah was at my sister’s so I could get my article done (ummm, yeah, it’ll be a late night tonight!) leaving me free to say “Yes!” when J. asked if I would come by.
(Re., the childcare: Noah is not sure about meeting the baby with an audience and we’re also trying to be really clear that this is still an up-in-the-air thing so we’d rather he not meet Madison until the papers — if they are signed — are signed. We did get pictures however and he pronounced her “cute” and then said J. didn’t look like he expected.
“What did you expect?” I asked.
He shrugged. “Nothing, really, so that’s why it was a surprise.”)
J. is very very extremely tired but doing well and pleased as punch. She is awfully proud of Madison as well she should be. Madison is absolutely glowingly beautiful and so damn big! She weighs two pounds more than Noah did (and is an inch longer) and babies that size look like they’re about three months old!!!
She looks a lot like J. — same nose and same face shape. She has a ton of hair. And she has really big feet and long fingers! (J.’s brother is tall so perhaps this speaks to future height!) She is also one sleepy baby, which is understandable.
We did end up sending flowers after talking to her friends and checking in with her social worker. So far, our boundaries have been very good and I hope that J. has the room she needs to make her decision.
I’m absolutely exhausted and emotionally wrung out. I don’t know if we’ll be invited for another visit (Brett didn’t get to go because he was at work) but having this one was a blessing. Even if J. chooses to parent, it means a lot to me to have a picture to put to Madison.
The other thing I wanted to mention is how it was clear to me as I rocked Madison that I am still — as they say on the adoption boards — guarding my heart. She certainly doesn’t feel like my baby yet and part of me is sad — I wanted an instant flood of love — but part of me is feeling patient. If Madison comes home with us, I’m going to snuggle up and kiss every little part of her and let myself fall in love. For now this distance makes sense but it does bring me some sorrow.
This morning when I stepped out on my deck I saw that the forsythia had bloomed. It’s like it woke up just to welcome Madison to the world.
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Tags: at the hospital, Brett, Madison, Noah
Today it’s about coffee
Mar 30, 2004 Adoption
I went to bed sometime after midnight and had a little trouble falling asleep. At some point I was dreaming about walking from a glass building into a wide, cement courtyard. I turned to the person walking with me and realized that it was J. We started discussing the humor to be found in giant maternity underwear. Then the phone woke me up.
We don’t have a phone next to the bed and after only three rings it goes to voicemail so I knew there wasn’t time to catch it. I lay there thinking that it was likely a random fax machine since that’s what our midnight calls tend to be. I drowsed back to sleep then woke again when Brett gently put his hand on my arm.
“J. is in the hospital,” he told me. “The baby is about to be born. She’s getting ready for a c-section and she wants you to call her.”
I called the number and J’s friend answered. She said, “Oh Dawn, J. is in a lot of pain — here, talk to her.”
J. was crying but cheered up while we talked. She apologized for not calling this weekend and for waking me up.
“I bet you’re not gonna be able to get back to sleep, are you?” she joked.
I was pacing the kitchen and I didn’t know what to say while she caught me up on her labor — what does someone say???
“I can’t believe that I’m going to have a baby!” she told me. “Our baby is coming!”
That was about 4:30am and it’s been two hours now so I imagine Madison is here. J. asked me to call the agency so I left a message on their emergency number.
If you’re the praying type please pray for the following:
1. That J. is safe and sound;
2. That Madison is safe and sound;
3. That what is meant to be will be, all in good time.
Happy Birth Day, Madison!!!!
Edited to add: Madison weighs over 9lbs and is doing great! J. is sleeping and also doing just fine! I plan to gnaw on my nails, pace, and act squirrely for the next three days.
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Item by item
Mar 29, 2004 Writing
Noah is hosting our unit studies group today, which means that in 90 minutes there will be 10 or 11 kids over here and their assorted guardians. Because of this, I woke up with the weight of a massive to-do list on my head — cookies to bake, toilets to scrub, etc. It’s all done now, I think. Likely I forgot something important but being that this is a gathering of friends, they’re sure to be understanding.
I did not get my rough draft done and had to ask for an extension, which is an awful thing to have to do. My ear was worse this weekend (hydrogen peroxide is making for a better day today) and I couldn’t think at all yesterday. I woke up at 4am Sunday morning after finally falling asleep sometime around 1am due to the general throbbing, piercing agony. I keep toying with the idea of going to a doctor but I know it’s not an infection — no fever — and so I don’t really know what they could do other than give me good drugs. Tempting, yes, but not likely to do much in the long run. Meanwhile I’m using heat and now the hydrogen peroxide again (my ear was too swollen before) and as a preventative, I’m taking minced garlic in honey. At least today I’m not in pain.
Anyway, yesterday was a wash. I sat outside on the deck trying to work (that sounds so fancy but if you saw our wee little deck it would spoil the image so just keep imagining me on a spacious redwood deck, typing away) but I was having trouble thinking.
This is a tough topic because there’s so damn much to say and I have to whittle it down. I’ve tried whittling it down here and there and then over here again and it’s just not flowing. I’m pretty frustrated.
I’m hoping that taking a break today to focus on general housekeeping and kid hostessing will give me enough distance to come back fresh tonight. And tomorrow I’m just going to sit at the kitchen table and work. I’ve got some projects and things set aside to keep Noah busy (I stash things here and there for just such emergencies). Sometimes those are my best days with both of us cozy, working in companionable silence.
I know we won’t get as much of that if Madison comes (crossed fingers and all that) so it’d be nice to get a session in tomorrow.
