Names
Brett and I made a decision yesterday, which is that we would like to use the name that J. was planning for the baby if she would feel comfortable with us doing so.
When we met with J., we shared our appropriate gender short-list and there was one name that she seemed to like and her friends liked and we certainly like it and that was all grand but now it doesn’t seem like it’s supposed to be the baby’s name. The more we think about it, the better we feel about keeping the name J. has already chosen.
I just kept thinking about telling the baby, “Yes, J. named you such-and-such but we felt that wasn’t a very good name so we named you someting entirely new.” Not that I would say it that way but wouldn’t it just sound that way? How could I justify changing his/her birth name when it’s a perfectly fine name — not difficult to pronounce, doesn’t rhyme with the last name, no weird initials. And then I thought, how difficult would it be for J. to call the baby by our new name when in her heart, the baby has always had this other name?
I remember reading on the adoption boards about a birth mom who insisted on calling the baby by the name she had given him at birth. “When you talk to me,” she told the adoptive parents. “I would prefer that you call him X.” The adoptive parents were really upset and everyone agreed that this was an inappropriate breach of boundaries but I wasn’t sure.
We did want the baby to have a family name, as Noah does, and this baby will but it won’t be our family name. J. wants to use the name of a dear relative as a middle name and we agreed that this would be just fine. And then the baby will have Brett and Noah’s last name, too, and I think that’s enough. I like the way we will be honoring his/her birth family every day by keeping that name. If all goes well, that birth family will be a part of his/her life. I don’t want to deny that tie and my hope is that the baby will eventually grow to have two families even if ours is central during his/her growing up years. Using that name seems, to me, to be a symbol of the riches that ideally come with open adoption.
In any case, we’ll have to talk to her and ask her how she feels about it.
I think that’s wondeful Dawn! I hope J. thinks so too.
Dear Dawn,
I really appreciate this post. I have always wondered why people say adopt a baby or toddler from China and then name her Sophia Elizabeth. It’s not that I don’t think they have the right, but I just always wondered why no I ever talked to considered just keeping the child’s original name.
I think this child would be very lucky to have parents who struggle to reconsider these “givens.”
Sincerely,
Margaret
I think it’s a good idea. I hope when we have a birthmother she gives the baby a name too. We have a first name picked out, but we’re still undecided about last names and we were hoping to use a birthmother’s name for a middle name, for many of the reasons you give. I know a nine year-old adoptee who is very intrigued by her “birth name” though it’s no part of her name now.
There are as many answers to this question as there are birth and adoptive parents. I think it’s wonderful that you have such a great relationship with J. that you can discuss the name so openly and respectfully. I know whatever decision you all come to, the baby’s name will reflect just how loved he or she is.
A freind who is a regular reader, and who knows of my interest, as an adult adoptee, in these issues linked me to this post. I think your thoughts about honoring the birthmother’s naming wishes are lovely and presicent of a fruitful and heartfelt respect for her and your child. That is so very key, and so missed by so many. I discovered the name I was originally given by accident during my 20s. I can’t do justice to my emotions on this in a short space, but, suffice to say, it is a tremendously discomforting to learn that your biological mother may have been thinking of you as someone else altogether for decades. My very best wishes to you and your family and your potential birthmother — it sounds as if you are off to a very very strong-footed beginning, as indicated by these musings.
Annie
Have you ever read the adoption ceremony described by Robert Fulghum in his book on traditions called From Beginning to End? Takes my breath away every time I read it. Your post reminded me of this ceremony and the respect that lies within it.