More on revocation
Feb 29, 2004 Adoption
Still can’t find any research but wanted to share some thought-provoking views: Read the rest of this entry »
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You’ve probably seen this
Feb 29, 2004 Homeschooling
But it’s making the rounds of the homeschooling groups and it’s pretty funny. Homefeeding Children: Threat or Menace?
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Tags: homeschool, Homeschooling
Speaking of nurseries
Feb 29, 2004 Parenting
Not that we were or anything but we don’t have one. We didn’t have one for Noah either but that was circumstances, not choice. Instead we had a corner of our bedroom (in our tiny 1-bedroom apartment) christened by Brett as the Nursery Nook. It held a wooden portacrib ($20 at a garage sale), a Dumbo-themed mobile ($50 at the Disney store — there’s a story behind that), and all the little baby outfits gotten at thrift stores neatly folded beneath.
I cried about that damn nursery nook. On my duedate list, everyone else would post breathless recitations of their gorgeously-themed nurseries, detailing every lovingly crafted item brought forth to grace the rooms in which their angels would sleep. I really thought a matching bumper was a sign of good parenting and so I felt enormous guilt at our barren little nook. Worse yet was the Natural Kids catalog with the guilt-inducing copy: “No outgassing for my precious little bundle from heaven! We use only organic wool futon mattresses sewn by indigenous women from a country whose parenting practices we exalt above all others!”
I was strongly against the family bed concept. I read Tine Thevenin, Three in a Bed by Deborah Jackson and Dr. Sears and decided they were a trio of nutjobs. Especially Ms. Jackson who apparently wrote her book before her baby was old enough to crawl (spare me the advice of the sincere mother who hasn’t faced the toddler years yet). I thought that children needed space and independence and parents needed sleep. Sadly, my poor baby would have to sleep mere steps away from our bed in a shoddy little portacrib with a poisonous mattress but at least he wouldn’t have to be coddled and spoiled by sleeping with his parents.
Then Noah was born. And I took him into bed with us not only for ease of nursing but because it was cold and I was afraid of SIDS and darnit, I missed him. I would dutifully start him out in the portacrib (now shoved up against our bed in the “sidecar” style) and as soon as he began to rustle awake an hour or so later, I’d pop him into the crook of my arm.
The kid hasn’t left.
Oh sure he has his own room and he starts out there but more often than not, we hear the pitter-patter of not-so-little feet and he clambers over us to slip right between us with a contented sigh. He doesn’t even wake anymore; he never remembers climing in.
“I feel safest in the middle,” he told me one morning. “I’m going to sleep here forever.”
This time we aren’t even bothering with a nursery. Since our family bed is now crowded by the oft-visiting 7-year old and his canine companion, we are taking the precaution of using a Snugglenest. Without nursing and postpartum hormones, I’m not sure that I’ll have that same psychic link that new mamas often have, which kept me on the alert that Noah was curled up next to me. This seems like a sound compromise. Also, our friend gave us a bassinette in case this is the sort of baby who sleeps best on her lonesome.
I love sleeping with a baby and it is especially important to me to have that time with a little one who is missing her birth mama. I hope I get the chance to do it soon.
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Yesterday
Feb 29, 2004 Adoption
I wanted to talk about revocation periods. They vary by state and some are quite a bit longer than others. For example, Maria in Virginia is facing a 25 day revocation period, meaning that for 25 days after the baby is born, the birth mom can change her mind about her adoption plan. Here in Ohio it’s only 72 hours.
Revocation periods are controversial. How much time should a woman have to rethink such a decision? How much is fair to her? How much is fair to the waiting adoptive parents? Most importantly, how much time is fair to the child?
Whether or not children are disrupted by placements that early in life is, again, controversial. There are arguments (falling out of favor, thank goodness) that for the first year, children are malleable enough to withstand caregiver changes without much problem. Others recognize that children need to bond to their caregivers as part of their healthy psychological growth.
I am grateful to live in a state that has a short revocation period. I do think that the baby who comes to us will be grieving the loss of her birth mother and I think having time to carefully, lovingly learn to trust as soon as possible is important. However, I recognize that I am also personally relieved that once a child is in our home, he or she cannot be moved out again and that this colors my thinking.
On the other hand, I think 72 hours is a ridiculously short time. Not that I know how long would be long enough. Revocation periods that stretch out for weeks and months also seem cruel to me. Not only are babies asked to be in limbo and adoptive parents are asked to hold back their love, but I think it must be agony for a birth mother to have that long to reconsider her decision. I don’t know of any studies (I’ll have to look) that have examined how different revocation periods might impact the grieving process for a birth mother.
I think about H. and baby Jane and I wonder if a shorter period would have made things play out differently; H. asked for Jane back before 72 hours were up. But I think about these two families struggling for the next 20+ days and of that poor baby needing to know who will be her mama and it’s heartbreaking for everyone.
Adoption is so hard.
I hope that H. takes Maria up on the counseling and figures out what she’s going to do. I hope that Jane is wherever she belongs soon. And, I must add, it is telling that both Maria and Michael say that whatever happens, they have no regrets. Even in their sorrow and anger, they believe in open adoption. That’s saying something.
(If you want to look up state-specific information, search here.)
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Tags: open adoption
Beautiful
Feb 28, 2004 Feminism/Politics
From Genius Toiling in Obscurity: Fat. Not Fat.
This is the form wholeness and well-being take for me right now: 5′4″ tall, 240 pounds. Sometimes those pictures, when I open the envelope, strike a blow at my self-esteem, for a day or two. But when I’m not looking at photos, when I’m just living my life, I like myself, inside and out, every cubic centimeter of me, from the innermost innards to the tips of the tiny hairs on my arms, and I do not wish one bit of me away.Imagine this: I’m strapped into my hiking boots and pushing my son in the jog stroller over the trails at the nature center. I am stretching my stride out long and picking up the cadence a bit. I feel my muscles working hard and my joints loosening up, my lungs moving air and my heart moving blood. My sharp-eyed sweetheart, David, touches my hand and points to a bird on a branch, and we pause, hand-in-hand, to watch it. The moment is perfect. My body is perfect. Snap a picture: the picture is perfect.
