Precalls Part II
Aaron asked if these were questions taken directly from the agency and I wanted to let you all know that they’re not. They have intake sheets (I don’t know if they call them that but they’re similar to the intake sheets we used at shelter) and they fill them out with the women over a series of interviews. They don’t just fire questions at them and I think I wrongly made it sound like they do.
The agency wants babies in homes where they are wanted and so they do their best to warn parents of any issues that might be pertinent to their adoption, no matter how seemingly inconsequential. This is to protect the babies. Obviously, there’s no guarantee when it comes to adoption (or to birth, for that matter). The other thing is that finding out if waiting adoptive parents do have unrealistic expectations is really important. If someone keeps saying no to every precall for pretty minor reasons, the social workers are going to gently encourage them to reexamine their commitment to adoption.
I know that it can be hard to imagine people saying no because a mom took cough syrup but saying yes in theory is really different than saying yes in a real adoption scenario. I used to tell people that we would adopt but once we were really adopting, well, it’s whole different emotional ballgame. We personally feel comfortable with a range of risk factors but I can appreciate a family who isn’t ready or willing to take that leap.
There are a lot of steps to becoming ok with adoption after infertility (I don’t have experience with adoption without the infertility factor so I can’t speak to that). You have to let go of the bio-baby — the joys of pregnancy, seeing your eyes in a baby’s face; you have to let go of all control — when baby will arrive, how s/he will arrive, whether or not baby will get good prenatal care. That’s really hard. I personally don’t think it’s entirely healthy to have a sense of entitlement before you even get a precall, but I know that some parents are emotionally tied to a baby that doesn’t even exist yet. So when they get a precall about a mom who’s making some poor health choices, it can be hard for them to say, “Well, it’s her baby and she’s going to keep having a beer or two on Friday night and we can say no or yes to being involved.” Instead they say, “How can she do that to her/our baby?”
Someone was telling me tonight about a waiting adoptive couple who were trying to influence the birthmom’s birth plan. I’m not saying that it’s right, I’m just saying that looking at adoption as a bystander and going through it are pretty different. I personally don’t want to tell any woman she can’t have an epidural if she wants one but I can see how someone else might want to have a say. Frankly, it’s hard for me to let go of the circumcision thing. I’d love to have a say in that but I don’t. So be it. So goes adoption.
Basically, for a waiting adoptive parent who is really trying to make sense of this great grief, and trying to build a family about which she’s been dreaming forever, and who has been denying herself coffee or cigarettes or Robitussin for years while she tries to have a baby, it can take some adjustment to say yes to a precall situation. Finally, I don’t think there’s enough counseling for adoptive parents, especially in most private adoption scenarios.
OK, now on to how it is to get a precall. The potential birthmom’s social worker calls us and tells us this is a precall and then she gives me time to get a pen and paper. Then she starts listing info and it comes out kinda like this:
–woman’s first name
–woman’s age
–duedate
–the city where she’s living
–involvement of dad and name/age if she’s shared it
–race of mom
–race of dad
–whether or not woman is on medicaid
–when she began prenatal care
–if she knows that she’s having a boy or a girl, they’ll ask us if we want to know (I always say yes.)
–how much contact the potential birth mom would like if she chooses to place and whether or not she wants to meet beforehand
–minor health issues (”She took robitussin in her second month for a cough.” “She is on antibiotics for a bladder infection.”)
–more severe issues (”She attempted suicide in her third month.” “She has herpes.” “She did cocaine up through the fifth month.”)
–long-term health/social history (”She was in special education classes.” “She was in rehab.” “She has been diagnosed with ADHD”)
–other possibly relevent issues (”Baby was conceived during a rape.” “Her boyfriend kicked her down the stairs in the second trimester.”)
–family issues (”Her father abuses crack cocaine.” “Her aunt is diabetic.” “Her brother has a severe stutter.” “Her daughter is on ritalin.”)
I feel fortunate to have worked in social services and to have been writing about pregnancy for so long because this makes it easier to pretty quickly say, “Yes.” For example, I know about STDs in pregnancy, I know a bit about various street drugs in pregnancy. Brett trusts my judgment, too, so only once did I need to call him first and that was because he was originally worried about matching with a mom who lives in our city. Now he doesn’t care and I never did so I just say yes. Then the social worker tells me when she’ll be sharing profiles and that my social worker will call me and let me know whether or not we’re picked.
When our social worker calls she’ll say, “Do you remember the precall about X? She decided to parent/go with another family.” She always says it with great sympathy.
According to the social worker who called us two days ago, she is working with four women in our program. I don’t know how many women the other social worker is currently working with (she just got back from vacation). We are second on the list. Those stats don’t actually mean anything but I find them reassuring all the same.
thank you for expanding.
i enjoy how similar our life situations are and how dissimilar the circumstances can be.
we never had to face infertility grief. and, since we’re adopting through the county, any information we get about the child, gestation history, and birth family history feels like a luxury. never having control means never having to release it.
been doing a lot of post-State of the Union grieving, feeling like the President declared war on me an my family. I’m scared, as if our quest for parenthood should be kept a secret, kept in hiding, kept off the political radar. While we are acceptable parents under California’s law, I will always fear the ability of political winds to tear our family apart.
i’ll email you directly about our waiting experience.
I read somewhere in your blog about the social worker being on vacation, whats new. either they are on vacation days off, or something else. No wonder they get it wrong so often. And if you ever need a social worker, you will be the lucky one if you can find any. They are a waste of time, these people don’t know what hard work is. i could write a book about them but whats the use, God help any kid that has to rely on them , any kid that has no family or someone to turn to.
Gosh, every social worker I know works her tail off to serve her clients. Long hours, late phone calls, whatever it takes.
Perhaps the child welfare system is a tiny bit to blame with caseloads and low pay? I read an essay in the NYTimes Magazine a few months ago by a social worker who bought food for families out of his own pocket, whose own marriages suffered because of his dedication to his job. Why should that be? We say in the US that we value family and children, but the systems in place don’t really support them.