The unbelievable truth
Dec 31, 2003 Parenting
I’m a feminist, as you all know, and I am also ambitious, which may not quite come through here on my blog as it does in my real life. I used to want a career in a high-rise and I still definitely want a book that will do well enough to inspire me to go to my 20th high school reunion. Because of my feminism and my ambition, there were a bunch of people who were surprised when they found out I had decided to stay home with Noah. Well, they shouldn’t have been.
When I was twenty I took a paycut to get a job working as a daycare teacher. I loved slinging children around on my hip. I also loved wiping noses, finding lost crayons and patting backs during naptime. Not only did I love it, I was also very good at it.
I changed my career plans and started thinking about being a child therapist. I still didn’t think I would be at home with my own kids because all of that youthful ambition was roiling around in my head. And even though I knew that caring for children is a worthy occupation, I guess I wanted prestige, too, which is hard to come by as a daycare worker.
When I started working at the shelter, I also got baby hunger in earnest — something I’d been fighting since I was twenty and took that daycare job. First I had to graduate then I had to work on Brett (actually I was working on him during that last year of classes) and finally I had to conceive and quit miscarrying. But I got Noah eventually and as soon as he showed up, all was right in my world.
I didn’t have that mind blowing experience that some women have when they discover that mothering is really hard. I mean, it was physically way harder than I thought it would be. For example, Noah didn’t sleep through the night until he was more 3+ and I night weaned him. Yes, for the first three years of his life, my getting a four hour stretch of sleep was a rare thing indeed. That was kinda hard. But I didn’t feel that awful “why didn’t anyone tell me?” feeling. I had been working professional with children for seven years by the time Noah showed up, not counting my teen-age babysitting experience. I know that caring for children was hard but also I knew that there was a chink in my heart missing that could only be filled up by parenting.
Everyone said that I changed when I had Noah. I smoothed out, I got happier, I became more calm. I know that I became more myself. I felt totally centered and right.
The part that was hard for me was finding out that cultural expectations didn’t jive with my experience. As an ambitious, feminist woman, I didn’t feel I had cultural role models who echoed my experience. Iconic women with whom I identified as a feminist didn’t seem to understand the transformation that had mothering had created in me. What does Gloria Steinem know from motherhood? Also the world has changed for the better for many (not all) of us; my pro-feminist husband always values my work here at home and does his fair share of work to maintain it. Why wasn’t I stir-crazy and miserable?
La Leche League and the attachment parenting community became my mothering home in large part because saying “I love being with my baby” didn’t produce an outcry of dismay. I could say, “I never plan on going back to a 9 to 5 job if I don’t have to,” and people would nod, understanding. I could say, “Noah is still waking up every night and I don’t think he’s ready to wean but I’d really like some sympathy,” and no one would tell me I was crazy for putting up with it.
Within LLL and the AP community, I found other feminists like me who were able to jettison cultural expectations and do what felt right for themselves and their families. In my real life world, I am fortunate to be surrounded by women with a diversity of backgrounds and future plans who are all feminist-minded and who are all at-home with their kids. When I talk about my problems, whether it’s sleepless nights or a budget in the red, I know that I will find support that doesn’t demand that I change my values. I’m proud of us, that we won’t abandon our feminism even when it seems like the cultural institution seems to have forgotten us.
I’ve been thinking about this because of my decision not to take the job I was offered. A couple of people (my father being the loudest) asked why I just didn’t hire someone to come in and take care of the baby while I worked. After all, we need the money and I like to work. But here’s the thing, I have waited an awfully long time for this baby and dammit, I’m going to indulge myself.
December 31st, 2003 at 9:58 am
To me, those who equate the decision to be a stay at home parent with selling out feminist ideals sort of miss the point of feminism. Feminism is about women being free to *choose* how they want to run their own lives. If they choose to never have kids, that’s great. If they choose a high-powered career and kids in daycare, that’s great because it’s right for them. If they choose to stay home, that’s great too.
My feminism is about recognizing that women aren’t stamped out of cookie cutters at birth, with one lifestyle fits all. Saying “you must live your life like this or you’re not a feminist” is just another form of oppression.
December 31st, 2003 at 10:30 am
“Everyone said that I changed when I had Noah. I smoothed out, I got happier, I became more calm. I know that I became more myself. I felt totally centered and right.”
WOW! you really hit the nail on the head here! I feel the SAME way! Friends have mentioned the same thing, that I seem so content now!
Love your site, it has become a ‘must-read’ for me! Keep up the FAB work!
JenMarie
http://jenlouden.diaryland.com
December 31st, 2003 at 10:49 am
You are fast becoming my role model. Thank you.
December 31st, 2003 at 10:54 am
My next door neighbor, a brilliant engineer, decided to stay home with her three children. For used to babysit the child of woman who chose to work outside of the home. My neighbor never judged her for that, and said that she sometimes envied the woman, who got to sit at a desk for 8 hours. She said 8 hours at a desk would like a spa visit for her. She told me that the woman that she babysat for always made rude comments to her about how staying at home to raise your kids was pitiful. And she talked down to my neighbor all of the time. My neighbor said it was all she could do to keep from telling the woman, “I am an engineer you ignorant, bitch. I am smart. I used to make a lot of money!” She eventually told the woman that she was no longer available to babysit for her. She was sick of feeling like she had to justify to this woman why she made the choice to stay with her children.
December 31st, 2003 at 11:16 am
As well you should.
I just stopped by to wish you a Happy New Year and tell you that you are beautiful.
December 31st, 2003 at 11:23 am
I absolutely agree with Kim. And you : )
Happy New Year Year!
December 31st, 2003 at 2:27 pm
Yep, yep, yep! I think about feminism a lot since becoming a mother, and am thankful for the perspective that being a SAHM has given me, because before having (my) Noah I was sure I would not stay home, and was rather critical of those who did. Feminism to me is about being able to choose what you want, not just choose what we could never have before. I hope my daughter feels similarly.
December 31st, 2003 at 6:34 pm
You mentioned Noah not sleeping through the night until he was 3+ and it’s such a relief to hear that! My own son is only 10.5 months but he doesn’t sleep through the night and doesn’t seem to have any intention of doing so. I’ve been worried about it, wondering if I was supposed to “do” something about it, yet really not liking the options available to me. I feel such a sense of relief knowing that yes, some babies do this, some do it for a long time, and they still manage to turn out just fine!
I thought I was alone, with all other babies soundly sleeping for twelve hours at a stretch. It’s so good to know that I’m not!
December 31st, 2003 at 8:41 pm
My brothers have decreed that I’m no longer a feminist because I left my statistics job to stay at home. My former engineer SAHM friend and I have a good laugh over that. Then again, my youngest brother has also decreed me non-Christian since I don’t think that all women should stay at home and that gay marriage is just fine. Needless to say, I don’t listen to my brothers much.
January 1st, 2004 at 7:45 pm
I say amen to all that…if you can walk the walk in addition to talking the talk. The problem with so many parents is that the level of judgmentalness is astonishing. The same people who support you because you decided to stay home judge me because I didn’t. The people who say you can’t be a feminist because you gave up a “career” for motherhood (and aren’t those people just pitiful?) are matched in pitifulness by the people who say i can’t be a good mother because I work or I don’t cloth diaper or cosleep for very long or homeschool or whatever. And, unfortunately, many of those latter people are the LLL/AP folks who’ve made you feel so welcome.
Wouldn’t it be nice to just have a community of thoughtful moms, moms who are giving it their all, in whatever way that is? And isn’t it sad that that’s never going to happen?
TC