Ok this bugs me
I’m obsessively reading adoption boards right now. I go on and off being into them; I’m into them right now.
There are some discussions about living expenses and I don’t know anything about the legalities of all of that because at our agency, adoptive parents don’t pay living expensies. I don’t know if that’s an Ohio law or just our agency’s policy or, frankly, just the program that I’m in. I do know that adoptive parents can be accountable for medical expenses but in our program, we are only accountable for the baby’s medical expenses, which will be paid for by our insurance.
Anyway, on one of the discussions someone said something along the lines of, “My attorney says this is a good situation and there isn’t much chance of her changing her mind [the potential birthmom isn't due for two more months] so it’s worth paying her the money.”
Basically, it’s worth the risk because the lawyer feels the potential birthmom is going to place the baby.
This makes me crazy-nutso. Let’s not even get into the whole “paying birthmom” debate, let’s just talk about these unscrupulous lawyers and facilitators and agencies who make these kinds of ridiculous promises.
I asked our social worker about this because our agency really emphasizes that a match is just a match — not a baby guarantee. There’s always always always a 50% chance mom will parent and there’s just no telling until she’s had the baby and time to think. Now I expect people outside of adoption to have trouble with that. Many people in my life — friends and family — would say, “Congratulations on your match! It’s like you’re pregnant now!” or “So then you’re expecting!” No, I would explain, a woman who is unsure of her parenting plan is expecting and she’s thinking of placing her baby with us. The emphasis is on her dilemma and eventual solution — of which we’re a possible part — and not on our baby hopes. Even women who are dedicated to their birthplans change their minds, even ones who swear they won’t. A baby in arms is a really different thing than is a baby in utero. Like I said, I get that this is hard to understand outside of the adoption triad but when adoption professionals don’t get it, well, that pisses me off. Especially when they lead on their clients.
Anyway, our social worker said that they do targeted adoptions, too, which is where they facilitate an adoption for someone who has found a birthmother on their own. This might be someone who did it privately or who used another agency, lawyer or facilitator. Recently (last week, to be exact) they had a birthmom who was coming to our agency through another agency and so she was being counseled by other social workers. Our agency’s social workers met with her, too, for the paperwork and they found out that the other agency’s worker was calling the birthmom and saying, “You owe it to those parents to place. She’s sobbing right now. Do you have any idea how much you’re upsetting them???”
How sick is that??? This is how some agencies and attorneys can make those kinds of promises. If they were honest with their clients they would say, it’s always 50/50.
One thing that really reassures me is that our agency tells the potential birthmoms to erase us from the picture when they’re making a decision. They say, “The waiting parents will get a baby; you don’t need to feel bad for them.”
“I don’t know any parent who wants to take a baby away from a woman who wants to parent him,” said my social worker. Neither do I, but I hear tell of plenty of adoption professionals who aren’t quite that picky.
How shocking!! I would be horrified to find out that someone had said something like that to Jackson’s birthmom. I don’t want a baby to come to me out of guilt or obligation. People who play on the desperation of either the adoptive or birth parents are just plain scum. I think your agency is one of the ones that really does things right. Kudos to them… and to you for finding them.
Happy New Years!!!
I am continually amazed and in awe of your deep ampathy and respect for the birth mothers. I’ve never heard ANYONE talk about a mother making that decision with such respect as you do, and while I’ve never been on either side of the situation you’ve made me look at adoption in a whole new light. I really, truly applaud you for carrying yourself through this waiting process with the utmost in grace and wisdom.
A woman who adopted told this story at a table in the library, to another woman who wanted to adopt, in the context of recommending her attorney:
The birth mother was in Miami, had 2 school age children already, and the father went back to Columbia, thus she wasn’t going to get any child support. She had no health insurance and she could not afford infant day care. The adopting couple was in New Jersey. They agreed to pay all of the medical expenses.
The birth mother agreed to have a scheduled cesarean despite having given birth twice, for the comfort of the adoptive parents–both so that they could schedule their flight, and apparently because after infertility they don’t trust the natural process. They were in the operating room, and held the baby, who was then taken to the NICU due to slight breathing trouble (not uncommon for an early c/sec).
The next day they went to see the baby and were told by the nurses that the mother had initiated breastfeeding and they expected her to decide to parent.
They called the fabulous lawyer, who called the hospital to inform them that the woman in room XXX’s expenses were no longer going to be paid by his client. Apparently they got someone from the billing department into that room while the baby was still on her breast to ask her for financial information. Her bills were higher than they would have been for a vaginal birth, and there were also those NICU charges for complications that were caused by the slight prematurity inherent in scheduled cesareans.
The adoptive mother says this “brought her back to the reality that she really couldn’t afford this baby,” and she signed the papers immediately. What a terrific lawyer!
It scares me to think of someone finding out that his mother did that to his mother. It also scares me that we have women relinquishing their children because they can’t afford health insurance and child care.