Making the wait easier
I had this cut-off in my head about when we had to have a baby and if we didn’t have a baby by then, well, to hell with the entire idea and we would just have an only child. This cut-off shifts, however, to make room for the inevitable delays but everytime I hit a deadline, I have to freak for awhile.
My latest cut-off was that we had to have a baby while Noah was six. I even dug up a spiritual reason it would happen before then: both my dad and my mother-in-law are six years older than their siblings. Neither of them enjoyed a very close relationship so having a baby six years younger than Noah would allow our families to break the cycle of sibling distance. Great, huh? Only Noah will be seven at the end of next month.
I got really depressed when I realized that, which coincided with the general “fifth holiday season without a baby on the horizon” malaise.
Last week I told Brett, “Maybe we should just quit now. Maybe we should call the agency and tell them we’re not waiting any longer and then we can just get on with our lives.”
“OK,” said Brett. “But how will you feel when you’re fifty?”
“I guess I would be regretting that we didn’t get that baby,” I answered.
“There you go.”
So obviously we didn’t call the agency to recall our bio.
I just want to turn off my anxiety but if I could do that, I would have done it years ago, right? And so Noah likely won’t be six. Really, what’s the difference if he’s six years and 11 months vs. seven years and some? (sigh)
I’m feeling better now that the holidays are over. I’m a little anxious because we’re supposed to go out of town here in awhile (security demands prevent me from giving more details) and I’m worried that we’ll have to spend a zillion dollars to fly back for a baby. Of course we would and we’d be thrilled but jeez, it would figure, wouldn’t it? Before or after (before please) would be way more convenient.
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