First one down
T. decided to parent. I will probably be sad about this later but right now I’m just … I’m not sure what I’m just. I guess I’m sorry for me but very happy for her and I’m sure that she’s feeling incredibly relieved now that her decision has been made. I still feel lucky to have been chosen by her and I think our purpose here has been to be part of the options she needed to consider. I’m honored to have played that part in her life even if it was a very small part. And I’m very glad that she’ll spend the holidays safe and sound (she is living with her parents) and with her son.
So we are back in the pool! In fact, our social worker said the birth parent social worker will probably be contacting us about another precall this morning. Back on the roller coaster! Yikes!
I can see how the matching and waiting will get harder as time goes on. Then again, maybe practice will make perfect. And again, my mantra: our baby is waiting for us and we just need to be patient. Still, thinking about waiting to be matched again and then waiting for the mom to make her decisions makes me very, very tired. But I’m keeping my head up and plastering a smile on my face. I’ll save my emotional breakdown for another time when there isn’t so much to do. Or maybe I’ll just take it out on Brett; that’s always fun!
Positives about not getting a baby this month:
See? There’s a bright side to everything! OK, so I’ll admit I’m secretly hoping that a birthmom picks us, delivers and hands us a baby before the New Year. In July, when we first entered the program, I was positive we would have a baby by 2004; it’s going to be hard to pass that milestone.
I think it’s going to be like when I promised myself that I would be pregnant by the time Noah started his second year of preschool and, of course, I wasn’t. I had these fantasies of announcing my pregnancy to his teachers, or starting that year with a big belly. It looked so fun to be a pregnant mom at the preschool so I could chatter on about delivery options and complain about heartburn with the other moms while we waited in the hall for class to get let out. I knew that there was no way we wouldn’t be pregnant by next year, for crying out loud! That would be too crazy!
Every infertile woman does this, and it makes it so difficult when those far-off dates come and go without a baby. I would think to myself, “Certainly by next October we’ll be pregnant!” And then I wasn’t. It was shocking, dismaying, heart-wrenching to realize we were coming on yet another “surely by then” date and know it wasn’t happening. But I survived it and I’ll survive ringing in the New Year without a baby in my lap, too.
It’s nice that I can come to my blog and be sad about it and know that I’ll find sympathy. It means a lot to me that so many people are rooting for us to get a baby soon and are excited for us. Thanks, guys. I really do appreciate all of your good thoughts. And please know that as disappointed as we are, we really are very, very happy for T. As Noah said, “Wouldn’t it be mean to just come and take someone’s baby???” Absolutely. And T’s baby was never ever meant to be ours.
By the way, I based all four of my quiz results on actual people so I’m sure there are Agitators among us. I personally think I ought to be a Bystander but Peacemaker comes up for me, too, unless I rig it by answering the way I know it wants me to. So it may be that the test is a little wonky. I based Peacemaker on Sarah because I think she has one of the nicest web presences I’ve ever come across. Consider receiving that result the honor it is meant to be.
Dawn, I’m so sorry.
You really do have the epitome of a levelheadedness about it, and I admire that.
I’m so sorry, Dawn. You’re putting a great spin on things, and I know you’re happy for T., but I’m so sad for you. I’ll keep wishing and hoping that your next match turns out to be the right baby, your baby.
sorry, dawn. i’m rooting for you over here.
edp
All of your feelings about this process - your serenity, your anxiety, your love, your concern, your hope - epitomizes, to me, the meaning of the word “grace.”
Darn it! I was so rooting for this to happen, but hope everything turns out wonderfully for T. and the little one. And I know that something great will happen for you soon!
oof.
uff.
and fah.
all that i can say…
Oh Dawn! I’m so sorry to hear this news. I am one of the many rooting for you to have *your* baby come to you ASAP.
Much love,
~Toni
Dawn, you and your family, as well as T and her baby, will be in my prayers…
So sorry. It sure must be hard to wait and be patient. That is not my stong point. I hope that when we are waiting for our child, I will be able to be patient and have a little humor in it all.
Thank you SO for sharing all of what you are living through.
I admire your strength and spirit, and your relationship with your son and hubby! I am thankful T. had such wonderful people - who were chosen to go through with her - whatever choice she made.
I pray a child finds his/her way to you swiftly.
Hugs and prayers!
Dawn, I am so sorry. I know you are right, and that YOUR child is out there just waiting to be matched with you. Our children will come home soon to us!
{{Dawn}} Bless your heart … I hope your little one will be with you soon.
Oh, Dawn. Every word of this post breaks my heart and gives me hope at exactly the same time. All I can say is that you are mighty indeed.
Well darn.
You are back in the game again though, that’s great news! I hope your call comes through soon soon soon!
Your attitude is wonderful. I’m really glad you’ve got it.
And all the stuff about “surely I’ll have a baby by . . .”.
It’s just so true. Steven will be 6yo in 9 days. I wanted him to be 3 when his sibling was born . . .
(not. gonna. think. about. it.)
{{{Dawn}}}.
And I think Sarah is wonderful too. I think of her as my much younger and hipper alter-ego. We have the same hometown and we were/are both into Girl Scouts but I have never had blue hair.
Sarah(s)
Oh gosh, Dawn, I’m just so disappointed for you that I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to risk sticking my foot in my mouth
with any platitudes, but just know that I’m still rooting for you guys.
Ah, hell, Dawn. I’m sorry.
Please take time to get yrself well.
Thinking of you…
Poop! I’m sorry, Dawn. My fingers and toes are crossed for you guys.
Shit…I’m happy for her (really…because having to decide must be hell and she must be relieved) but this coincided with my period…lets just say that out of the two of us facing disappointment again this month you are handling it with much more grace! I’m drunk!LOL Hang in there…and lots of hugs.
Oh Dawn, I’m so sorry to hear this. I think you’re attitude is wonderful and healthy and far more admirable than mine would be. You’re a great example to us all. I’m sorry for the hurt you must be feeling and I hope your baby finds you soon.
(((((Dawn)))) I am so sorry. I have been following your journey, and hope the very best for you.
Oh Dawn! (((HUGS))) I’m sorry it didn’t work out. I hope your baby finds your family very soon! We’re rootin’ for you over here too.
i just want to say i love reading your journal because it’s nice to know i’m not alone with my infertility issue. i really wish i could find a good support group so i could make some friends with people who share the same problems as i do. do you or anyone else who may read this know of any support groups here in columbus, oh? i really wish you and your family the best of luck!