Homeschool Resolution
My mom and I got in an argument about homeschooling last week. It cast a pall over the whole week; I hate fighting with my mom. Basically I called her for reasons unrelated to homeschooling and she kind of went off. The entire time I was saying to myself (and to her), “I know you’re coming from a place of loving concern…I know you’re coming from a place of loving concern.” It was my mantra because the more I didn’t agree with her, the more furious she got.
To accept homeschooling as a valid educational choice, you have to accept some basic premises. And if you don’t accept those basic premises, then homeschooling is simply not going to make sense. I understand that. I understand how my mom feels especially because sometimes I feel that way, too.
One of the things that drives my mom absolutely crazy is that I read a lot of books about child development and parenting. It started before I ever had kids because I worked with other people’s children and I took my work seriously. I also taught parenting classes at one point although what I taught wasn’t parenting, really; I facilitated discussion with parents about child development and tried to help them discover parenting tools that worked within the context of their family values. I don’t pretend to know everything that there is about raising kids, besides which I believe there are lots of “right” ways to do it. That said, my choices have been different than my mom’s and she thinks that this is because I read too many books and don’t parent “from the gut” like she did. Actually I do parent from the gut but because my instincts are so different from my mom’s — and because I have such respect for her as a parent — sometimes I need to bolster my confidence. It’s hard to say, “I will do this” with absolute conviction when it’s very different from the way I was raised especially because I think my mom did a wonderful job. Actually as Noah has grown, I’ve had less reason to need the support of books but when we were considering homeschooling, I read a lot about it — pro and con — and as much as I wanted to find a way to make public schooling work for us, the more I read the more I realized that we were going to homeschool. Not that I was always happy about that.
Anyway, the argument was awful and we’ve been avoiding each other since but the good thing about it was that it (ironically) solidified my feelings about homeschooling because it forced me to confront a lot of my insecurities.
What had happened was that we found this affordable neighborhood in a school district we’ve been eyeing. It’s not affordable for us now but it would be someday and I was feeling good about that. I want to be in a decent district by the time Noah is in middle school because it seems like there are a lot of kids who want to try out public school around the time they head into adolescence and I want Noah to have options. Anyway, I was driving through the neighborhood and I went by the beautiful, shiny-new elementary school and I imagined what it might be like if we lived there and Noah could go to this nice school. I’ve always said that our homeschooling decision was based primarily on our living in a district that is failing by national standards but as I drove by that school I realized that I want to homeschool for its own sake. I realized that I’m actually very happy doing this. I don’t want to live in the nice neighborhood and send Noah to the right school. This was a huge weight off of my shoulders because I’ve always felt a little bit like we’re failing by living here in a bad school district.
This was a revelation to me because it seems like I’ve always focused on my insecurities and worries around homeschooling. Then when my mom and I got in the argument that night, I spent the rest of the week looking hard at both my good and bad feelings about it and re-considering my concerns.
It’s funny that my mom thinks I’m the one pushing our family to homeschool when it’s actually Brett who is absolutely convicted on that issue. I waiver. I worry. I whine. But Brett has never doubted our decision for more than a millisecond. Now being the lovely man that he is, he does say that ultimately it’s my decision since the bulk of the responsibility falls on me but when I decided we would try it last year, he was relieved. Anyway, we were talking about all of this and Brett said that basically if Noah learns the three Rs, he doesn’t care about anything else because those three Rs are the tools he needs to learn everything else. If you don’t buy into that, our reasons for homeschooling won’t make much sense but we do buy into it. We do accept that premise. I don’t want to convince other people it’s true because it’s only true within the context of the values of our family. Other people will argue that test scores matter and that kids need to buckle down and learn how to study correctly and that knowing how to function within the system is an important part of growing up. And I’ll say that I think tests are bunk and that scholarship can be learned within the context of a passion and that the public school system has nothing to do with life success. Now I don’t think either of us would be more right than the other one. I think that it’s all about what you want your kids to get out of life and how you think he or she can best attain that. I don’t think my mom is wrong; I just think that I’m right.
I realized, too, that it’s unlikely that I will ever get the approval that I want from her for my decision. This makes me sad but there’s nothing I can do about it.
It’s funny to me (funny ironic, not funny ha-ha) because my mom spent a lot of time hollering at administrators trying to get my brother, my sister and me a decent education. None of us did well although we’re all “gifted.” I had a terrible, miserable, bored time in school and I remember how frustrated my mother was. She would march into the office and try to advocate for us but she was always running up against bureaucratic barriers. I appreciate how hard she fought and I’m grateful for it but ultimately I don’t think she was able to do much to improve our lot.
My mom also spent a lot of time bad-mouthing the school system so I’ve never understood why she’s surprised that I’m so critical of it. When I was in seventh grade I told my English teacher that someone ought to revoke her license. She called my mom and my mom told me that even if I didn’t respect the person holding the position, I ought to respect the position. She said that teachers work too hard for too little pay to have to put up with whippernsappers such as myself giving them attitude. I was totally bewildered. Where did she think I got my attitude? It was hard for me to understand that since I was the kid, I had to be respectful because after all, wasn’t I the one dealing with all of the bullshit? It was a very mixed message. I knew that a lot of what I was learning was inconsequential and that my grades weren’t an accurate measure of who I was as a person. I was frustrated by how much I wanted to know and my inability to get at those things. In high school I did my own marching into the principal’s office trying to find a way to make school work for me. In the end I graduated early and I was relieved to get the hell out of there.
When my mom and I were arguing she said that she felt it was important to work for change within the system. I don’t think I could do that. I think my quota for school-frustration has been exceeded by my own experiences. I don’t think I could encourage Noah to finish his worksheets when I think worksheets are stupid or tell him to memorize answers to tests when I think the tests are bogus. I don’t think I can serve Noah well if I can’t respect what would be a central part of his life. If I don’t buy into the public school premise, how can I expect Noah to? And why would I send him?
To try to wrap up this incredibly long-winded post, I will summarize by saying that this argument with my mom sucked, that I realized how happy we are homeschooling, that I also realized that my mother will never say, “Wow, this homeschooling thing is great and you’re a wonderful mother for doing it!”, and that I’m just going to have to be ok with that.
My daughter is just two right now. Even though we consider ourselves a homeschooling family, I think most people wouldn’t because she’s not “school age” yet. But we see these years as just the first in a long line of homeschooling years. My mother and I are already having “discussions” about homeschooling. She was very detached from me when I was growing up, so I don’t think she really has any idea how unhappy I was in school. So I really identified with, “I think my quota for school-frustration has been exceeded by my own experiences.” Yes. It would have to be a very special school or a really desperate life situation for me to really want my daughter to go to school. I find it hard to imagine me having the mental energy to fight any sort of fight within the system.
The point of all this being that my discussions with my mother haven’t reached any sort of fevered pitch yet because Rebecca is still young. I suspect my mother believes I’ll “come to my senses” about this homeschooling nonsense. And I suspect in a few years, I’ll be writing entries like this one of yours, accepting that I will never have her approval and hopefully feeling even stronger in my ideas about learning.
You know, I hear that a lot. That I should put my kids in the system and fight for it to change. But the fact of the matter is, that by the time we get the change, my son has allready had a “system” education. I want my sons to have a world class education. I provide this to them, by being flexible and supplying them with many classic books on all subjects. I do feel bad that the system is failing, but I can’t fail my son. My kids are my #1 priority.
I hope you and your mother can work out an even ground. My parents and MIL both had a hard time with my decision to homeschool but now they are very supportive. Hang in there and stand up for what you believe in!
I come from the opposite situation — my Mom was a pioneer homeschooler when she took my twin sister and I out of school in 5th grade in the 70’s. She had to declare our home a private school and we couldn’t use any public school resources at all (unlike today). My sister and I were flunking math, because we hated it, refused to complete our work in class, and because the “flash card” tutoring we received didn’t work. After three months of home schooling, we had advanced in our math skills by three whole grade levels. Mom just wouldn’t let us say “I can’t do it” and so we did — we completed every single problem she gave us, learned our multiplication tables by singing them, and the math we know now is still from that year at home.
So I believe in home schooling for academic reasons. My sister went to Colby and I went to Dartmouth. We went back to public school for high school because we didn’t think homeschooling would be seen as legitimate. For a while, homeschooling allowed us to “hide” from bullying and peer pressure. We were inherently shy and reserved, and homeschooling certainly didn’t teach us to socialize. If Noah socializes appropriately, then you shouldn’t feel doubts about your decision to homeschool.
I now have two daughters — my oldest is in public school. She is very confident and social, and is doing incredibly well academically because I “homeschool” her too (supplementing her education at home). So far, public school suits her perfectly. If she ever has the problems I did, then we may consider homeschooling, but I think it’s wrong to assume your child will have the same experiences you did.
dawn–
this has been a struggle for me too, to find my own way of parenting, and talk to my mother about it, without it turning into a battle, because some of the ways i’m choosing are very different than those she chose. one of the biggest hurdles i face when i think about homeschooling is the attitude i’m convinced my parents wil have about it. so thanks for sharing this and giving me a little inspiration!
Dawn!
I had this fight with my mom a few years ago. She was a public school administrator at the time (her beloved school district, for whom she sacrificed family life and husband, cut her job after 23 years this past spring) and took it personally. I had the same problems as you did in school, and while my mother would come to my defense and do what she could about really bad teachers, I was never allowed to give them what-for. I never understood this. And as my mom got more into her ivory tower ed theory, spending less and less time in a classroom, she became really disconnected from what really goes on at school.
My kid was suffering in school. Every kid I saw there was suffering in some way. This “great” school we’d heard so much about was just incredibly lame, filled with advertising and begging for money/supplies at every turn — and then at the end of the year we’d find those same supplies we’d given in the dumpsters! We had to schedule visits to classrooms. Crazy.
I’m not sad we did this, though like you I had to read every book on the subject to feel better about it. It’s the best thing we’ve ever done for our family, as it turns out, and it’s changed my entire life. YMMV, of course.
Oh, and as for my mother… she’s finally let up on me. She sees the kids learning and engaged and helping out at home and socializing at their own paces, being part of their community and our neighborhood because they have time to devote to it. She doesn’t say much anymore, pro or con. But I can tell she’s rethinking her entire approach not just to education of children, but to life/work/relationships in general, byt the questions she asks, the way she interacts with us.
Yr mom might come around too, but in the meantime, enjoy yr decision!
Sorry ’bout the length…
Hey, Dawn…
I just want to say “Wow, this homeschooling thing is great and you’re a wonderful mother for doing it!”
Dawn on Homeschooling.
I thought this was a well-articulated and thoughtful post. Thanks, Dawn. I particularly liked this piece: It’s funny that my mom thinks I’m the one pushing our family to homeschool when it’s actually Brett who is absolutely convicted on that…
When we jumped into homeschooling, we hadn’t read up a lot on it, and we knew the system wasn’t working for our children. And we knew with the kids we had, that they certainly would have the same sorts of problems we did. I didn’t (don’t) feel I could sacrifice my children for the sake of those to come. Homeschooling in and of itself will force a change.
Funny, those relatives who thought we were insane, but thankfully didn’t give us too hard a time, are now, nine years later, out there with us waving the banner. Imagine, our kids are turning out great so it must have something to do with how we raised them!
Now we are reading fools about homeschooling. Do you think your mom would agree to read even one book to know where you are coming from? I would suggest anything by Howard Gardner, John Taylor Gatto or John Holt.
keep on keeping on!
I am disappointed that you posted your take on our discussion on your BLOG - and then welcomed your readers to express their opinion and support of your position without any further ado. Our discussion was none of their business and totally one sided in it’s presentation.
I am not against Homeschooling and have supported you and Brett from the beginning in your determination to provide it. I have seen examples of successfully home schooled children and admire the parents committed to providing it for their children.
“…my choices have been different than my mom’s and she thinks that this is because I read too many books and don’t parent “from the gut” like she did.”
How dare you presume to know what I think and present it as ‘fact’ to your audience. Did I make mistakes with my methods? Absolutely! Will you make mistakes with yours? Guaranteed! The books and theories change with every generation.
“Anyway, the argument was awful and we’ve been avoiding each other since…” First I’ve heard of it.
“…I realized that I want to homeschool for its own sake…” Even your books and other advocates will tell you that you can’t do this just by wanting to do it. You need a plan, resources and a hell of a lot of determination, committment and follow-thru.
I also buy in to the 3R’s. While you and your siblings were growing up and we were moving all over the country you certainly weren’t always in the best schools. But all academic education can be accomplished with reading, writing and arithmetic skills. I have also always known that Brett is a driving force behind Noah’s being home schooled.
“…I don’t think my mom is wrong; I just think that I’m right…” and that’s why you are the Mom and I am the Grandma.
“…I realized, too, that it’s unlikely that I will ever get the approval that I want from her for my decision…” That’s such bull I can’t even address the remark.
“My mom also spent a lot of time bad-mouthing the school system so I’ve never understood why she’s surprised that I’m so critical of it…” I did not start your young lives off telling you school was hateful and evil. I did not precondition you with my own bad school experience. I bad-mouthed an inadequate school SYSTEM when you were in the agony adolescence and all that that implies. I did not bad-mouth the schooling process.
“I also realized that my mother will never say, “Wow, this homeschooling thing is great and you’re a wonderful mother for doing it!”, ”
You want to hear this from me? Start by teaching Noah his phone number and address - for his own safety - it’s past time.
Am I angry? I wasn’t, but I am now…I’ll get over it…see you at Frankie’s birthday party.
I don’t have children and realize it will be at least a few years before I do, but after reading your account of home-schooling I want to say that I’m considering it for my future children. Living in the city of Chicago my options are either a failing and probably dangerous school, paying out the nose for a private school, or moving to a suburb so my children can go to a good school. None of these seem like an option since I like my neighborhood and want to stay there. So, at least through elementary school, I could see myself home-schooling. Haven’t decided, of course, but I wanted you to know that your writing here has given me another option to consider.