What my mama said
Jul 29, 2003 Parenting
My mom and I were talking about the adoption and I was saying that I revisited my ambivalence about having another child pretty often. She helped me see that it’s really about my financial fears and that I do very much want to have another baby. She said money is a bad reason not to have the family you want but it’s hard to see that when it’s such a pressing issue.
What was most interesting was that in the course of our conversation she told me that if she had to do it over again, she would have had only one child. Now as the middle child I could have been insulted but I wasn’t because I understand what she was saying. She doesn’t regret having me or my brother but looking back she sees that her mothering needs were met with my sister. She had me because she thought she was supposed to for Erica’s sake and she had my brother because, frankly, her birth control failed and it was pre-Roe v. Wade.
I’ve talked to some of my friends who have these same sort of feelings. It’s not that they don’t adore the children they have and it’s not that they wouldn’t throw themselves in front of oncoming trains to save them; it’s just that they recognize that they would be happier or more patient or more stable if they had stopped at one or at two.
It relates to our discussion earlier on here about moms and their rights and when it’s ok to be selfish. I don’t think we talk about this enough, this ambivalence. It’s such a hard thing to talk about. Since I’ve come to a point of accepting my infertility I’ve started to feel really grateful that I didn’t have babies close together. It sounds like such an awful thing to say but I see my friends struggling and I’m glad I didn’t have to do it. I’ve been a better mother to Noah than I would have been had I gotten pregnant when I wanted to. It’s been an indulgence to have Noah alone for so long.
July 29th, 2003 at 5:31 pm
yes, yes, yes. a friend of mine with three kids thinks she might be pregnant and is grappling with this same dilemma. she doesn’t want any more kids, but is it “okay” to recognize and satisfy that instincT? every time i say i don’t want any more kids, i feel i’m doing a disservice to my own kids, diminishing my love for them a litle, even though i know that’s not true.
July 29th, 2003 at 6:29 pm
Reading this on the heels of my ache to have another child is interesting.
I have been having this intense desire for months now to have another child but the reasons not to have one seem to outweigh any other comment necessary. But to listen to your mother, I wonder if at all times in our lives, the desire and feelings change fluidly depending on our situations and hindsights.
-d
July 29th, 2003 at 6:31 pm
I’m just recently 40, married, mom of sons–a 17 and a nearly 20 year old. (Yep, I had them young. Married when expecting the first, and have been married, happily and well, 20 years.)
If I had it to do over, (and I am mulling over the fact I still have “time”), I’d have had another. Maybe two more. We didn’t for financial reasons. Not because there was NO money–we actually had a cushion, and were frugal enough to sit on it–but because we said “With only two we can pay for college. And take them skiing, buy more stuff…” etc.
But I keep getting the lonely feeling that there is somebody that I miss.
July 29th, 2003 at 6:52 pm
What time zone are you in? It’s just after noon here, but the time listed after my above post is 6:31!
I agree with -d. Desires and feelings DO change with situations and hindsight.
July 29th, 2003 at 7:38 pm
What?! It’s bad to have thoughts of not wanting kids close together? CRUD! I could have had yet ANOTHER mommy thing to feel guilty about!
I’m totally kidding, BTW.
I think I was lucky, I’ve never really had that whole ‘mother guilt’ over how many kids, when to have them, etc…I just knew when the time was right and we started trying…granted the youngest took us a while to conceive, but I figured if it was meant to be it would be, when it was the right time.
This is probably why I don’t have very many real-life Mommy-Friends…I’m way too relaxed about being a mom. I love my kids, would defend to the death, either one of them. BUT, I also know that I have to have a life too…because when it’s all said and done, they’ll be adults with their own lives and I’ll be ‘Mom’ a few times a year.
I think your post was excellent and more moms should understand that it IS OK to be a little selfish every once in a while, I’d venture to say it’s healthy.
July 29th, 2003 at 8:19 pm
I don’t know how I’ll feel in twenty years, but right now I feel like I was born to have a big family. I have three and are in the process of adopting a fourth, and I honestly can’t imaging stopping here. (LOL quote me on that next year when I have toddlers 10 mos apart!) In truth I have fantasies of having 15 kids, most adopted with special needs. But DH is totally not on the same page, so it may not happen. His main concern is the finances of course. I sure hope he gets a BIG OL’ raise sometimes soon!
I do feel like people think I’m nuts to want more kids. *sigh*
July 29th, 2003 at 10:01 pm
As you know, I’ve been on both sides of the fertility fence - unable to conceive for many years when I really wanted to, and then conceiving after sterilization when I definitely didn’t want to. I agree that we don’t talk enough about ambivalence. I also think that when you have to go to greater lengths than the norm to have a child, there’s this unspoken expectation that you’re never supposed to complain about how hard mothering is or express that having another child is a difficult decision to make. Again as you know, I have two children less than 2 years apart and it is HARD. I would never consciously choose it. It’s hard to look back and try to revise history. I’m happy with all of my children and can’t imagine electing to be without any of them now that I’ve gotten to have them in my life. But if I could turn back the clock, I might do lots of things differently.
July 31st, 2003 at 1:13 am
I’ve always know that my mother adores my sister and I, and even w/ fertility problems (took her 5 years w/ me and 8 w/ my sister) she let the first (me) happen when it would which means she didn’t visit a doctor nor fret about not being able to conceive. Unlike me that mourns the loss of fertility she felt she could have led her life without children (she had the second because of me) - She and I have talked about this often and I although I couldn’t have asked for a better mother I understand that she would have been just as happy w/out us. She felt guilt about this “selfishness” for quite a while.