Paper chase
I xeroxed 10 copies of our 4-page birth mother letter on Friday. And 10 copies of the page of colored photos to include with it.
Our social worker told us that most adoptive parents get special paper for the birth mom letters and she encouraged us to do this, too. She said that fairly often the potential birth mom will just kind of flip around and pick one that’s on pretty paper that she likes.
This felt like a lot of pressure to take to the stationary store.
Noah and I went to pick out the paper last week. He picked out all of these bizarre patterns that wouldn’t show type but I settled on a nice, conservative green border with cartoon flowers. I bypassed all the little baby foot prints and the cozy teddy bears and dancing baby paraphernalia because it felt too, oh I don’t know, overt or something. Also it’s not to my taste and maybe the birth mom who chooses us will feel the same way.
It was a funny thing to be doing, analyzing paper samples for a birth mother letter. Does this one really convey who we are? Does it have the sense of humor, the open communication, and commitment to resolve conflict that defines our family? Do little cartoon flowers send the message we want them to? Crazy.
Then I went through our photo albums to find pictures. As I mentioned before, there are very few pictures of me. For one thing I’m a wee bit camera shy and for another, I’m the only one who thinks to take any pictures thus I am generally the one behind the camera in our album. I was able to find one of me and Brett that Noah took and another of me and Noah from the Halloween when he was 3. I included one of Noah reading to his cousin Frankie (to show what swell sibling material he is) and a favorite picture of Brett and Noah on Noah’s 4th birthday. I wanted to include Peanut but frankly, she doesn’t photograph well. And then I worried that my hair is vastly different in both pictures and that Noah isn’t smiling in one of them. And Brett is making kind of an odd face in another only if you didn’t know him, you would think it’s his regular face. Will she pick us if she thinks that Brett has an odd face?
I worry too much but how can I not?
I don’t think you worry too much at all. When you think about it, it’s a very bizarre thing to be doing. You’re putting together this “package” without knowing what criteria the birth mother is going to use to make her decision. It sounds completely normal to me that you worry about it. Okay, I realize that was less than reassuring, but what I was trying to say is that it sounds like you’re doing ok.
It *is* a very bizarre thing to be doing. And it’s kind-of a shame that the something as important as picking adoptive parents would in any way be influenced by one’s choice of paper. Will they soon have special advertising agencies who claim expertise in creating that “just-so” family logo and slogan to woo all the birth moms? I mean, I’ve taught my son that commercials are the “they want my money show”– will there soon be “they want my baby paper”?
It’s unreal. And ofcourse you’d worry– you’ve spent you time making sure the house is safe and the rabbi is supportive– the idea that your choice of paper might make or break the deal is just mind-boggling. But soon, I am certain, you’ll be holding a baby and laughing about the silliness of it all.
i think you’re justified in feeling very bizarre, and i’m sure you’re not the only one. when i read dan savage’s “the kid,” about their open adoption, he and his partner completely flipped out about the “dear birthmother” letter, and it was really hard, lots of pressure, etc for them to write.
They actually do have people who sell dear-birth-mother-writing services. Just google for “dear birth mother” and you’re bound to find a few.
We heard the pretty paper advice but decided to go with plain white paper. As it turns out the paper did not even come into play. The birth mother found us by way of an ad which referenced a website that had our dear birth mother letter. She saw that and then called us. The website had a plain green background but I have no idea if this helped or not. However many other potential birth mothers saw it and then never bothered to go further… I guess we’ll never know.
Honestly I don’t have any advice here except to do what you think is best. If the paper gets attention that’s great, but hopefully she’s looking for you rather than your paper.
Who’s “Peanut” ?
it’s a pity you can’t just use your blog as a reference; any birth mother who really wanted to know that you were caring, a good mom and taking this very seriously would have to be convinced by this site.
you’re not worrying too much. with so little control, it’s natural to obsess over what you can control.
That’s so intimidating, that your choice of paper style might increase (or decrease) your chances of adopting. I’m surprised that it’s allowed, it seems unfair in a way - a good designer isn’t necessarily the best parent, and vice-versa.
I’m sending the birth mother lots of “PICK DAWN” vibes
I could just see Joe and I arguing over the “appropriate” stationary…surreal!LOL We had tons of things to worry about w/ Ky’s adoption but because it was the state and the social workers and not a birth mom they were different issues to worry about…big hug!