Making a messy life messier
I was talking to my mom about the craziness that is this job and she said, “With everything going on right now, do you and Brett still want to bring a baby into it?”
Well, yeah. The baby’s the whole point. But sometimes I do feel enormously selfish and stupid. It’s something I say all of the time: Baby lust knows no logic.
When you’re going through infertility treatments or adoption, your parenting plans are so very, very intentional. If you’re just a regular fertile person, you don’t have the time to focus so intensely on What You Want. You either get pregnant by mistake or by “hey let’s have a baby” but you don’t have to remake the decision over and over and over. If you start having doubts, it’s too late because you’re eight months pregnant.
Brett and I have revisited the question “Should we have a baby?” approximately 46,792 times over the last 43 months (we started trying in November ‘99). We asked it of ourselves before we sought treatment, many times during every treatment decision, before every clomid pill, before every check written, before each and every form we signed for the adoption. We have uncovered every ambivalence but we still seem to be moving forward. Even now, as we near the end of our homestudy, we have doubts.
I have a particularly good day with Noah and I think, “Why should I disrupt this? Our family is so happy already.” I have a particularly bad day with anything and I think, “How can I handle more chaos in my life?” But underneath it all — the doubt, the fear — is the simple fact that there seems to be a baby missing in my life.
I’m terrified but then I should be. Parenthood — as wonderful as it is — should strike terror in every concerned parent-to-be’s heart. Ambivalence at impending parenthood is the first time a parent says, “I love you already. I love you so much that I worry I’m not good enough for you. I worry that I can’t do right by you.”
Well said. As usual.
Jeez Dawn. You hit the nail on the smack dab on the head. Wow.