My current daydream
I’m missing Noah. I see him everyday and we hang out, read books, build with legos but I miss him anyway because no matter what we’re doing I know that very, very soon I need to come back in here and return some emails.
I like this job a lot. Really. It’s interesting and I’m learning that I like working with writers and seeing their different styles and getting to think about lots of content without having to write it all myself. I don’t think I’ll ever be a very good copyeditor but I’m surprised to find out that I do like editing. It’s confusing right now and a little scary but it’s fun, too. I don’t like jobs that are the same duties day in and day out (that’s why I liked working at the shelter) and this one is certainly ever-changing.
That said, if we didn’t need the money, I would quit this job immediately. It’s too hard to work a full-time job and be a full-time parent.
It’s fortunate for me that Noah likes to be by himself a lot and would choose that whether or not I was busy. Today, for example, he sent me out of the room because he wanted to do something by himself and then called me in an hour later to show me the end result. He very often will go down to the playroom and order me not to disturb him and sometimes he’s there for the whole day, with breaks for snacks and chatting. Still, there are other days that he wants to hang with me a whole bunch or that we want to go to the park in the morning and the library in the afternoon or that we want to call up a friend and go on a field trip.
I miss him. I miss our very small, often boring life.
What I don’t miss is not ever having any money and praying Noah won’t grow out of his shoes just yet and not being able to buy fresh fruit whenever I want. Having enough money for the first time in my parenting career is so, so lovely.
Here’s my favorite daydream: They don’t renew my contract this fall. This just so happens to coincide with a baby coming to our house. I spend the early months being busy with all of that new parenting and somehow I manage to get that book proposal out. (I haven’t had a chance to look at my sample chapter again let alone work on the next one.) I get a book deal and am able to work on it and maybe do some freelancing and be a mostly mom again.
The problem with that daydream is the money. We still need to make X amount of money beyond Brett’s paycheck each month just to scrape by.
I used to feel really panicked about this job because as events in February showed, no job is secure. I know that any minute now, I could get fired or laid off or the magazine itself could go up in flames or what-have-you. If you check out MediaBistro, you’ll see that no one is immune to the “revolving door” in the publishing world. But now, even though I know the difference that having this money has made in our lives, I’m just not as worried. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s realizing that having this job and a new baby would be its own kind of disaster.
Yes, I definitely have mixed feelings about all of this. Meanwhile, I’m going to enjoy myself as much as I can and get diligent about being organized enough that I get a whole bunch of Noah time despite all of my job duties.
