Not your responsibility
Holly’s post made me think about the times I’m offended by people who aren’t actually being offensive.
You know what not offensive thing offends me? People talking about all of their kids. Not always, let me rush to assure you, just on my not-so-great days. It bothers me when people assume fertility and talk about the gift of siblings or even when they bitch about how hard it is to have more than one kid. I get self-conscious during those conversations; I feel like I’m standing there in my emotional underwear.
The other day on one of my writing lists everyone was talking about how wonderful it was to have a second and third kid. How they’re better parents now and enjoy it more and what a gift it’s been. Now they’re allowed to talk about that, my god, they’re allowed to talk about their lives without worrying about offending someone whose life has turned out differently. It did make me sad but that’s my problem (plus I’m ovulating and hormones are powerful).
Anyway, Holly’s comments made me think about how people can’t take care of every imaginable contingency whenever they open their mouths to talk about their own experiences. There is always someone who’s going to be offended because there are a myriad of possible lives to lead. If we’re being as nice as we can be and owning what we say, what else can we do?
(((Dawn)))
(((Dawn)))
You’re right about it being impossible to foresee every contingency. We can only try to limit offensive statements - since obviously we can’t rule them out entirely.
It’s tough to be on both sides of this. I have said things and then realized after the fact that WHoops! whatever might have been taken in an offensive manner.
For instance, I always seem to slip when I talk to this woman I know who has a really big family. More than once I catch myself having just said something that implied a negative judgement of the number of children she has.
I’m sure by now my inadvertant judgementalism has ruled out any possibility of becoming friends with this woman. But it’s so hard to keep from offending in that way when in my heart I am convinced about the responsiblity of family planning.
I mention this because it’s just the reverse of the infertility aspect that you wrote about here.