this woman’s work

A ceremony of sorts

Nov 23, 2002 Infertility

My sister and I are going to put all of my (decent) maternity clothes up on eBay. I didn’t want to do it until we had the adoption application in the mail but then I realized that this might make enough money to cover the adoption application so why not do it now? Some of the clothes I never even wore because I bought then when we were trying with the clomid.

Brett and I had a long talk last night about our feelings around the infertility. I’m realizing now that while I talked to him a lot while we went through it, he really had no idea how much it was consuming me. I guess he couldn’t really comprehend it.

I was telling him about whenever I cooled down after working out I would meditate on the baby I hoped was coming to us. How I would picture my body calm and well and fertile. I told him about the visualizations I did at night when I would wake up crying, too upset to go back to sleep. I told him that only now am I feeling normal again and not like some infertile freak show.

I read somewhere that men are often about two years behind their partners in dealing with infertility and this is true of Brett. Last spring, just before I had my first appointment with the RE, Brett said, “You know, I think something might really be wrong.” We had been trying for 18 months by then. Then last September, I told him that I wanted to start thinking about adoption but he didn’t really take it seriously and then I had that miscarriage right after.

So in my mind I’ve been working on this for a long long time and I’ve been thinking about adoption in a very real way for a long long time but Brett is just now confronting the fact that we can’t make another baby together. His grief is still pretty new because before it was all focused on how he could help me get through my sorrow. Now I’m feeling very hopeful and excited but poor Brett is stunned and scared.

We have a lot to think about.

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