Get out your hankies
The irrevocable moment in becoming a parent is not the moment you conceive your child; it’s the moment you conceive of her. Maybe in your mind she looks partly like you and partly like your husband. Maybe she looks partly like you and partly like some handsome, genius sperm-bank stranger. Maybe she is coffee brown and Peruvian; you are albumen white and Swedish. Maybe she is a he. But whatever your idea of your child, once you have it, once you have thought of her as yours (which may happen ten years before she’s born, or four months into your pregnancy, or six weeks after you meet her), nothing can stop you from wanting her. And only some terrible force outside of your control will prevent you from having her. You will run through icy winds for her. You will leave your wife for her. You will quit your job for her, take two jobs for her. You will lie slant, almost upside down, for forty-eight hours so she can be born two fewer days premature. You will let your bones crack apart for her. If the adoption agency says you are too old to adopt her, you will find another agency. If the first in vitro insemination fails to produce her, you will shoot hormones into your butt for another month. And if you miscarry, your child has died. If the birth mother changes her mind, your child has been torn from you.
–from “Heedless Love” by Barbara Jones, from the book Wanting a Child edited by Jill Bialosky and Helen Schulman
The emptiness of the child I do not yet have is as real as the presence of Noah in my life. By the way, my Myria column up now is about infertility.
Oh Geez, your new article is great! I am laughing because I’ve fallen victim to the infertile superstitions as well. I can’t count the number of times that I’ve tried to recount our exact position, did I orgasm or not? and how long did I really lay there during our amazing conception of Andy 4 years ago. You always think you will remember these all important details but life makes sure you don’t!
Just when I think I’ve memorized TCOYF I end up running to the library to confirm or deny some bodily function that I am sure is a sign for me. One of these days I’m going to buy that book.
I just read Wanting a Child myself a few months ago. So much of it really hit me, having gone through infertility before conceiving my daughter and now dealing with recurrent pregnancy loss.
It was affirming to read, fully-formed, all these chaotic thoughts and emotions that I’ve had. I don’t know how to express them, but there they are in the book, laid out in eloquent prose.
And now I’m off to read your article!