Adoption letters I dislike
So we keep getting these brochures from agencies and some of them really rub me the wrong way. One is from a local agency (that I have since discovered has some questionable tactics) and it contains a plethora of stories from parents who have adopted through them. Some of these people don’t sound like folks I want to hang with:
We were happy to finally be going to Russia for our little girl, but asked for more information about her. The attorney then told us that she had an 8 month old boy. Boy??? We had definitely asked for a girl. After spending thousands of dollars and having much physical and emotional distress. we had decided to adopt. A girl. Now the attorney we had trusted said only a boy was available; we would have to wait at least another 5 month for a girl. Imagine how devastating this was for us … [couple then switches agencies to find a girl]Our daughter was carried into the room dressed in a pretty pink dress. She was so clean and smelled of strawberry shampoo.
[This totally bugs me. People have a right to *want* a specific kind of child but it really bothers me that they turned down this healthy little boy because he was the wrong sex. After years of infertility, they said no because of this? They threw away thousands of dollars? Hey, a baby is a baby. Really. Boy, girl, whatever.]The final leg of our [adoption] trip was quite interesting, a term used frequently to describe a painting you can’t quite figure out. After an hour of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, I decided to follow the sage advice of giving Benadryl to M. and describe by his caretaker as “having lots of character” — obviously a euphemism for “strong personality” … After an hour of hysterical laughter and hysteria, our little angel fell asleep until breakfast was served some seven hours later.
[No comment needed.]
Another thing I’m bothered by is all the references to “china dolls.” This seems very racist to me.
I’m also trying to figure out about name changing. What happens to a 2-year old who has always been called, say, Oksana all of her life and whose name is suddenly changed to Caitlyn. What do you guys think? Do you think it matters that much? It seems like it would be very traumatic for the child. I can see the reasoning for a name change for kids whose names are difficult for most Americans to pronounce but I do wonder how this affects the children.
By the way, I finally got Brett talked into considering domestic adoption. Hooray! I have concerns about adoption anyway, the ethical problems in it. I worry about birth mothers who may be coerced into giving up their children or who would keep their children if they had more money or services available to them. If we gave the birth mother the money we were giving the agency, would this allow her to keep her child? What about the mother who is being forced by another person into giving up her baby? In some ways I think this coercion is a *little* less present in US adoptions because theoretically a woman *could* find some social support if she decided to keep her child. (Remember, that’s in theory only but it’s better than there being *no* social support possibilities at all.)
One thing that I really like about domestic adoption (and that Brett doesn’t like) is the possibility of some birth family involvement, even if it’s just a picture once a year. I also think it’s absolutely HUGE that the child can possibly go out and find his/her birth family; I think that’s really important.
Arghhh, adoption. What a tangled web it is. No matter how wonderful it is for the child and adopting parent, you know that there is someone in great pain over it. I think that The Kid by Dan Savage does a terrific job of talking about this.
First, the people who turned down the baby boy… Wankers. I would be so happy to have a baby, any baby, that it boggles my mind that there are people who would blithely say no for something so trivial.
On the name issue, I wouldn’t change a child’s name after adoption if the child was over the age of 1. If it was a difficult name for Americans to pronouce, I’d come up with a nickname that worked. I do think it matters, because children are starting to develop a sense of identity by then. Changing the name they’ve been called for 2 years seems like it would be traumatic.
Hugh and I talk periodically of adopting internationally. Of course, that was when things were more… stable. I digress. I’ve been in love with the idea of adopting a baby from China, or the Dominican Republic or Russia forever, with the full intent of keeping the birth name of the child. I think honouring their ancestory is part of the child’s birthright, and the name they were given is likely part of that.
I have known some international families who give their children first names from their home country and middle names that are American. That way the child has a choice later. So perhaps you could add an American middle name while using the original name.
After two massive tragedies in two years, some friends of ours decided to adopt from the Ukraine (she’s of Ukraine descent). They were hoping for as young a baby as possible, but also knew they would be happy to just return home with a child… after travel miscues and other delays, they returned a couple of weeks ago with young Ivan, 14 months old and extremely cute of grin. They are over the freaking moon.
In Australia it is now compulsory to keep an adopted childs birth name (providing it had one). I’m not quite sure how they go about enforcing that, though. Sure, they can prevent the parents from changing the name legally, but how can they control what the parents call the child at home?
My aunt and uncle fostered two siblings, Will and Nikki, off and on from the time they were 3 and 1. They adopted them when they were probably 6 and 4, and after a lot of debate, they changed both of their names (Alex and Olivia). The kids adjusted to their “new names” relatively well — but other people didn’t. These cousins live out of state, and now, a decade and some change later, my mother (who sees them once a year or so) will still call them “Will and Nikki”, which is endlessly frustrating for the kids. They had some say in the name change, if I recall correctly, but it seems like it was ultimately unnecessary. However, if you were to adopt a child internationally, provided the child was young enough, I think it might be in his or her best interest to change the name. I, personally, wouldn’t have wanted to go through school as a Svetlana (or something international sounding; you get the idea) because it would have made me feel more singled-out.
I know this is an old entry but I’ve just started reading and thought I’d share my .02