Stupid fertility decisions
Sep 28, 2002 Infertility
I’m still trying to figure out if I want to get back into treating my infertility myself. There’s a good naturopathic doctor in town and I want to see her but am reluctant to spend $45 to do so. That’s a reasonable price but I’ve been tossing money at this problem for awhile now and I’m reluctant to keep doing it since I haven’t seen significant results (i.e., a baby). If I see this doctor, that’s just the start of the dollar parade since then I’d have to shell out money for treatment. I keep trying to see myself being the mother of an only child forever but when I think of getting rid of my three plastic tubs of cloth diapers, I can’t do it.
It’s hard to get helpful feedback about it, too, because people are naturally oriented to “keep trying!” But what they don’t see is that trying doesn’t guarantee a baby (they see it like a baby sitting there on the horizon, which is how I used to see it, too) but it does guarantee a lot of angst.
I spent all of this summer so focused on having a baby and the hell of clomid and I feel like I really neglected Noah during that time. I was so sad and frustrated. I spent a lot of time trying to get him busy doing something away from me so that I could sit and do nothing. I was pretty depressed. It’s possible that this was entirely the clomid but I don’t think so. I know that some of it was just the trying. It’s hard to put myself back there emotionally. I like being present for Noah again and I imagine he’s glad to have me back.
As it is now, I’m not as attentive to my cycles (although I always know when I’m ovulating) and my period actually almost took me by surprise (but not totally — I purposely kept away from Brett during all eggwhite days) and that’s so nice. If I started using herbal treatments again, I would have to get aware again and I just don’t want to. But what if there *is* a baby on the horizon and I’m saying no to it? Right now I don’t even want to give up my new coffee habit because by doing so I’m on the trying side again. It’s symbolic. I feel fierce about it. Just say YES to coffee! Just say NO to privation for infertility’s sake! Fuck infertility!
Decisions decisions. Now off to make a cup of coffee.
September 29th, 2002 at 12:21 am
It would be great to be able to say that you should see the local naturopath. That maybe it would be less stressful without the drugs and maybe it could be more layed back. And if you continue to try, that baby could be on the horizon. But if you do nothing that baby isn’t on the horizon. However, I hear (and only marginally understand) what you are going through. With my husband and I trying for our second baby right now, on those eggwhite days I am focused on how I am going to make sure that I get him in the sack by the end of the day. I’m calculating how many eggwhite days I will have and how many tries we will get in. It IS stressful (as much as I don’t want it to be). Waiting for my period to come is a wind-whirl of emotions. And then there is that whole depressing on-time period. I can’t even calculate the intensity of emotions you have but I can guess it is too tough sometimes. Oh yeah, coffee- I drink caffinated when my period comes (and I’m not pregnant) as a small reward, but once my period ends I go back to decaf. Not the purist way, but my way.
September 29th, 2002 at 12:25 am
It would be great to be able to say that you should see the local naturopath. That maybe it would be less stressful without the drugs and maybe it could be more layed back. And if you continue to try, that baby could be on the horizon. But if you do nothing that baby isn’t on the horizon. However, I hear (and only marginally understand) what you are going through. With my husband and I trying for our second baby right now, on those eggwhite days I am focused on how I am going to make sure that I get him in the sack by the end of the day. I’m calculating how many eggwhite days I will have and how many tries we will get in. It IS stressful (as much as I don’t want it to be). Waiting for my period to come is a wind-whirl of emotions. And then there is that whole depressing on-time period. I can’t even calculate the intensity of emotions you have but I can guess it is too tough sometimes. Oh yeah, coffee- I drink caffinated when my period comes (and I’m not pregnant) as a small reward, but once my period ends I go back to decaf. Not the purist way, but my way.
September 30th, 2002 at 12:40 am
I think you’ve said before that you’ve tried herbs - which ones have you tried? I used false unicorn root and progesterone cream (Pro-Gest brand) to conceive my second child.
September 30th, 2002 at 9:01 am
I used vitex (chasteberry), red raspberry leaf, red clover, licorice root, and dong quai. Oh and nettles. I also was using ProGreens, one of those super-duper green drinks with royal jelly and super bluegreen algae in it. I took a multivitamin and a b-vitamin supplement. I miscarried three times using natural progesterone. I didn’t use false unicorn root because it’s endangered and I wasn’t positive that I needed it but if I did go back on herbs, I would like take that.