I read this recently about spanking
Sep 18, 2002 Parenting
According to a blurb in Time magazine, 98% of parents spank their preschool and younger aged children. I went looking for the actual study from which they pulled that number and couldn’t find it. I found one article that said that 90% of parents spank their toddlers three times a week and another from the American Academy of Pediatrics also used the 90% number but didn’t cite frequency.
I’ve never spanked Noah. Brett has never spanked Noah. I grew up in a spanking household and Brett did not but we agree about this.
I was telling my friend about the stats and I said, “Either our children our little angels or we’re super heroes.”
“I vote for super heroes,” she said wryly.
My mother was bothered by our commitment to being a no-spanking household. Not so much by my decision not to spank itself but by the criticism she heard there, that I think spanking is wrong. I do think spanking is wrong but I’m not the boss of everybody. I know some wonderful parents who spank and I know some really awful parents who don’t. I don’t think any one parenting choice can be taken out of the context of the complex parent/child relationship. But I don’t spank. I have no plans to. That doesn’t mean I don’t ever *want* to and when I *want* to, I know it’s time for me to take a time out.
Eda LaShan wrote in her book When Your Child Drives You Crazy, “Some time ago I appeared on a television program with a noted expert. Although we are in agreement on most aspects of childraising, we disagreed on the issue of spanking. His feeling was that if one ever spanked at all, it should never be in the heat of anger, and my attitude was that anger would be the only possible excuse. … The show’s other guest seemed to be saying that if you think a little slap is called for, do it calmly.”
When I’m clam, I can’t imagine laying a hand on Noah. When I’m white hot with fury, I want to put him through the wall. Personally, I’d rather keep my hands to myself and so far I’ve been able to do it.
Man, I bet I get some screwed up google hits now that I used the “S” word.
September 18th, 2002 at 12:03 pm
98%??? Can that be right? I work with preschool age children and I am a mother of a preschool aged child. I have spanked my son in the past but never felt comfortable with it. (I guess I am a reformed spanker.) Like you said, when you are calm you wouldn’t lay a hand on your child, and when you are angry, well, it is just plain wrong to hit someone out of anger. I too met oposition from my Mom when I told her how I feel about spanking. She feels it is a necessary part of being a good parent. (Mom and I disagree on a lot of things these days.)
But anyway, I can’t believe that 98% figure. That is mind-blowing! If that number is true, I would have to believe a lot of folks are ‘closeted’ spankers, because of all the people I know raising small children, only a very small number spank their kids. (Or it could be that I have flocked to like-minded people, making me unaware of what most people are doing.) Who knows…98%…wow.
September 18th, 2002 at 12:12 pm
I know, I found that number shocking, too, which is why I went looking for it. The only thing I can figure is that they included people who have spanked their kid once but aren’t really spankers. I think this would include a lot of people who are anti-spankers but who, like Eda says, lost their tempers. I’d love to see a source for that number though.
September 18th, 2002 at 2:26 pm
Holy heavens did my parents spank me! But my hubby & I have talked about it and we pretty much agree not to spank when the time comes. Althou he’s reserving final judgement until it happens. *shrug* You’re right…spanking or not does not make a good parent. I’ve seen many who just swear their kids out. *sigh*
September 18th, 2002 at 10:03 pm
Wow! That is a high percentage! I would have never guessed. People who spank after the heat of the moment has passed scare the crap out of me. It just seems so…calculated.
My mom took offense at our no-spanking stance too. Sometimes she thinks that I make these choices purposefully just to prove her wrong. Truth be told, I do think my parents were wrong for spanking us, but that is not the reason I don’t spank. I just can’t imagine doing it.
September 18th, 2002 at 11:32 pm
Funny that this is what is up today because we (my daughter and I) had a rough day today. She was crabby, crabby, crabby which made me not as patient as I normally would still be at the end of the day. Spanking went through my head and boy did it sound like a good idea a couple of times tonight. But I would not do it. Sometimes I think it would make me feel better for about a second and then the overwhelming guilt would kill me. It is not the way I want to raise her. And I would be disappointed in myself if I resorted to spanking. Hitting is not an acceptable response to someone not acting the way you want them to. And I certainly don’t want to teach her that it is acceptable. Even the 90% seems so high…wow?
September 19th, 2002 at 4:06 am
Got through a VERY trying day without spanking! i do not want to spank ever, there are alternatives - though someday’s it is tempting. But tempting to HIT your child? Makes me stop viewing it as an option-ever.
September 19th, 2002 at 2:19 pm
Wow, I can’t believe that figure either!
I have never spanked. My DH has never spanked. And we are also in that situation that it really bothers our families that we don’t spank. I can’t say that I never felt the urge to spank in the heat of the moment, but I have always restrained myself from doing so. It’s just not an option. I don’t believe it works, for one thing - I’ve never known a parent who only had to spank once and then that offense was never repeated. And even more significant than the issue of its effectiveness is the issue of what my kids deserve, and I don’t believe that they deserve to be hit. Ever.
September 22nd, 2002 at 12:59 am
98% sounds high to me, too. I’ve heard it said that if a parent swears when their child is born that they will never hit him or her, they will probably hit him or her about the right number of times. I guess you could say that is true in my case (my son is now 35 and was only very rarely hit and only spanked once–by my husband).
Like many who have commented here, I was raised by a mother who admittedly believes in spanking “babies”. I know I was spanked frequently and severely as an infant and child and that has caused me innumerable problems throughout my life. My mother was one of those who believe in spanking when calm and “in control”, and I think that is sadistic.
I think my stand against spanking was at least in part a reaction against the way I was raised, and swinging from one position to its opposite is probably not the best way to make up one’s mind on such an important issue. Every child and parent is different and there are lots of shades of gray between the polar opposites. Still this is such a hot-button topic for me that all I can say is I’m against spanking children and would like to say hurray for those of you who manage to raise your children without giving in to that cultural norm.
September 22nd, 2002 at 4:07 pm
What Does the Bible Say About Spanking Children?
There is only one way and that is GODS way!!
Proverbs 13:24(KJV): “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.”
Proverbs 13:24(AMP): “He who spares his rod (of discipline) hates his son, but he who loves him diligently disciplines and punishes him early.”
Proverbs 19:18(AMP): “Discipline your son while there is hope, but do not (indulge your angry resentments by undue chastisements and) set yourself to his ruin.”
Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
Proverbs 22:15: “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the “rod of discipline” will drive it far from him.”
Proverbs 23:13-14: “Withold not discipline from the child, for if you strike and punish him with the (reed-like) rod, he will not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.”
Proverbs 29:15 &17(AMP):
15 The rod and reproof give wisdom, but “a child left undisciplined brings his mother to shame.”
17 Correct your son, and he will give you rest; yes, he will give delight to your heart.
Ephesians 6:1-4:
1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.
2 Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise;
3 That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.
4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
This doesn’t mean to beat your child when you are angry. Or to hurt them other places then the buttocks. But rather to do as GOD has said and talk to them about what is right and when they choose not to do what is right then spank them. Not when your sick of them but when your teaching them what is right.
September 23rd, 2002 at 6:29 am
Let’s get down and dirty with the claims of what the Bible has to say here, shall we?
We can rule our your Ephesians quote, it doesn’t have anything other than “Kids, do what your parents say”. It has nothing on corporal punishment.
So we’re left with Proverbs. Lots and lots of Proverbs. As you probably know, the book of Proverbs is the word of King Solomon. Yeah, wise King Solomon. Oh, but wait… doesn’t Solomon get into idol worshipping (and following Moloch, who in Biblical terms is portrayed as being one of the sorts that prefers sacrificed children)?
But I’m sure his kids turn out right, right? Uhh, no, that would be wrong. The first and foremost amongst them turned out to be a cruel little brat (I think the most notable quote is how, when asked to lighten the labors the people were faced with, Reheboam (that’s Solomon’s kid), acting on the advice of his brothers, says, “My little finger is thicker than my father’s loins. My father laid on you a heavy yoke; I will make it even heavier. My father scourged you with whips; I will scourge you with scorpions” - Chronicles 10:10-10:11. IE, he insults the size of his father’s penis size, and then goes on to demonstrate his cruelty).
The Bible’s all about teaching by example, right? Seems to me this example says that if you raise your kids as Solomon did, expect them to be sniveling little bastards.
But you knew that, because you actually read and understood the Bible, as opposed to hitting us all up with pithy quotes, right?
September 23rd, 2002 at 11:51 am
Thanks Apathetic! And Stephanie, your assumption that everyone is Christian, and/or wants to raise their children to be Christian, is offensive to say the least.
September 24th, 2002 at 8:50 pm
To spank, or not to spank…
I’m sure I’ll have more to say about this later, but I’m about to go watch Monsters, Inc. with Fox.
November 11th, 2002 at 1:43 am
My parents were the sort who had tight control of their family mostly because they had no idea about the actual needs that motivate child behavior. We never talked back. We never disobeyed. We were model children. But I was beaten within an inch of my life for things like not being able to see the one object out of place on my dresser, or for not being able to finish cleaning the kitchen in the assigned time frame when I was 9 and still had to stand on a stool to reach the sink. But boy did people admire our family! Even though they all wept through listening to my father repeatedly spank (I mean a real, 10-plus whack, bare-bottom spanking)my eight-month-old brother for making noise and getting restless at church. This is what I mean when I say they didn’t quite GRASP the notion of stages of child development. My father trotted out all the much-abused scriptures touting his dominace over the family, and our need to toe his line, but ultimately, I haven’t spoken to him in over ten years, because it has taken this long to purge my psyche of the cruelty of his approach.
I’d like to also add that my older sister is thirty-three years old and cannot keep a job, an apartment, or a checking account. She is unable to control her life because her childhood was all about controlling her to the point where she learned that control is external to herself.
I now have a beautiful, two-year-old baby, and I look at her and marvel at her little bids for independence and self-determination. That is not to say that I appreciate it fully when we are having a crabby, difficult day, but since I have the knowledge that she HAS TO challenge me in order to grow up, then I have knowledge to fall back on, instead of impulsive overreaction. As an educator once told me, “From the moment they are born, their main job is to get away from you!” Now, that sounds harsh (and sad!), but really, that’s what our job is: to enable them to grow up and leave home.
I look at my daughter and can’t imagine how a parent can ever forgive themselves for striking their child.