Atonement/Forgiveness
Aug 19, 2002 Judaism
Something kind of rotten happened today. About a week ago I wrote to someone I haven’t spoken to in about fourteen years to say that I was sorry for not being a better friend. The person wrote back today telling me that he won’t forgive me. It was an incredibly venemous letter and he wrapped it around the note I sent to underline how much he didn’t want to hear from me.
I didn’t really have any expectations when I wrote him but it was something I had wanted to do for some time and I finally found his address. I wrote because I needed to say I was sorry, period. I thought it was likely that he wouldn’t write back but I hoped that maybe he would and we could catch up.
Anyway, he was very angry that I said I was sorry because what he heard is that I was asking him for a favor — forgiveness — when I didn’t deserve a favor since I had wronged him.
This got me to thinking about forgiveness and atonement.
Atonement is an important part of recovery programs; it’s the 9th step in AA:
[We] made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
It’s also an important part of Judaism. The day before Yom Kippur is set aside to make atonement for our sins against other people.
So what happens if you ask for forgiveness and it’s not accepted? I’m scanning through Talmudic thought and 12-step propaganda and it all says that basically once you’ve asked for forgiveness and it’s been rejected, that it’s out of your hands. But does this let a person off the hook? If you sincerely atone, is that enough? What can you do about the other person’s suffering?
OK, so now you’re wondering what I did. Well, I don’t remember specifics (that, I’m sure, is part of the problem) but I’ll do the best I can to fill you in. This friend needed a lot from me and I didn’t come through. I didn’t realize how terribly I let him down until I was an adult and re-read a journal and some letters that he gave to me. This is how it is with a lot of people I used to know. I remember when I was at a shelter training about incest and they were describing a “typical” incest survivor and suddenly I knew — I knew — that a woman I hung out with during my teens was sexually molested by her dad. All the pieces came together, all that reckless sexual behavior started to make sense. Anyway, when I re-read this friend’s old journals I realized that I was a lifeline for him just because I was there. It wasn’t me, I don’t think that I was some kind of glorious beacon in the night, it’s just that he was very lonely and then I showed up. As I said, our friendship was very intense and he used to get angry if I didn’t call him at certain times or if I spent time with another friend instead of him. (No, we didn’t date.) His expectations were very high and not only did I not meet them, I also stomped on them in my Esprit blue suede ankle boots.
I will say that at the time, I didn’t recognize that I was being hurtful. This, of course, is no excuse but it’s what allowed me to continue to hurt him. Now that I have clarified hindsight, I am deeply sorry. I took him for granted. I took his affection and friendship for granted and I regret it. His life was very difficult in those days and I am so sorry that I made things worse instead of better.
Well, I’ve made atonement to him and to God (as I understand him/her/it) now I guess I have to let it go.
(Easier said than done. As my friend visiting today said, it’s pretty hard not to really mind-fuck these kinds of things.)
August 19th, 2002 at 9:41 pm
Oh you can spend years on this one
I understand forgiveness as you have shared here - i know there are people - in my heart-i have not forgiven and this will make me relook at that. Not to have expectations on and of anyone else is a hard one, but all we can do is ask for forgiveness, realise our *sin* and pray/light candles, cross fingers for that other person to release their hold, it’s really only hurting the one that does not forgive (i know). Also there are SO many times in our life when we unknowingly *fail* someone - and yes, we can say we’re just human, but sensitive people become aware of not being there for someone and feel the need to be forgiven……..ugh such a weighty topic-lol! I know, in my life, i totally failed someone, but i was mentally out of it at the time, was not even aware of anyone’s pain but my own, heard it from a second party (good friend) - still not sure how to handle! Are we guilty of something we did not purposefully do?
i will say a prayer for him….and you.
Peace!
eli
August 20th, 2002 at 9:41 am
Thanks Eli. Your message helped. It’s only been in the past few years that I’ve been able to forgive some people and when I do I feel so darn benevolent and clean. But what I didn’t realize is that forgiveness is a process so I’ll think I’ve let something go and then realize that I haven’t let it go entirely. Well, life’s a journey, right? It does bother me that *I* got comfort for atoning but my friend didn’t get any comfort from my apology. It doesn’t seem fair and it makes me feel obscurely guilty.
August 20th, 2002 at 12:26 pm
*sigh* I hate the fact that I’ve hurt others in this world. I think sometimes they won’t forgive just to hurt me knowing how I am. This is something I too have to work on. I have to let it go…as you say, it’s out of our hands at a certain point.
August 20th, 2002 at 6:02 pm
*groan* I’ve been working on Steps 4-9 for, what, 15 years now? I’m still not completely clear who I have to apologize to and why. And not for the usual reasons–I want to apologize basically to anyone who met me before I had children. (Becoming a mom was a great big cold splash of water for me.) I feel like I was nothing but a jerk before I had kids, not that I’m not a jerk now, but I’m more aware of it and am less concerned with my “look good” now, YKWIM?
August 21st, 2002 at 3:54 pm
What a beautiful entry. I’m not at my 9th step yet, but my husband is. I’ll definitely be passing on this link to him.
In the meantime, remember that part of the forgiveness process is forgiving yourself. Hugs.
December 9th, 2002 at 7:51 pm
Im doing a paper for an english class, and have found that my being years older the most in the class changes how one looks at things. The current paper is on forgiveness and atonment, specificaly in the circumstances where death is involved. Though I love to be challenged, I have to say Ill be glad for my brain to have a christmas rest.
February 20th, 2006 at 10:41 am
Very interesting & professional site. You done great work.