this woman’s work

For kicks, I sent an article to a minor baby site to get it reprinted. No money but I like having my name around the web. Anyway, a former suite101 article called Manufacturing Frustration for Babies is up at Baby University. The site allows people to comment which is fun and also vote for how many stars my article gets. The first woman loved my piece but only gave me one star, I think by mistake, so my article ain’t doing too well score-wise. So of course I had to give myself five stars to boost the score a bit. Very silly of me, I know.

I got a regular column gig for ePregnancy’s new magazine, Everything Pregnancy. It’s a really big project and I’ve been hoping it would come through for Betsy and Nancy (and me). The first issue goes to bed, I think, in May. I’m doing blurbs for them, this column, and any other articles I want to write. I think I may even be in the masthead as a senior contributing editor. Anyway, that was the offer this winter when she first called me about it. It’s such a nice, shiny title! And it’s so cool for Betsy and Nancy because this could spell really big things for them. Their PR person has all of these huge ideas about getting them some press.

{write me}

My new imaginary friend, the Fillyjonk, asked me why I was going to homeschool. She asked it in a very friendly, interested way specifically because most of the HSers in her neck of the proverbial woods are conservative Christians. So why would a “pretty reasonable” person such as myself consider it?

Well, I think one of my lesser reasons is similar to what some of the conservative Christians (hereafter called the CCs) might say: fear. You know, fear that our culture is too violent, too sexy, too materialistic for my son to be safe. Not just safe in body but in heart and mind as well. But I don’t think fear really counts for a whole lot. I mean, I’m fearful about a lot, like about the way he wants to climb trees and the fact that he will eventually want to ride a skateboard. It’s the protection thing. But I don’t want to let fear be the only guide in my decisions. Whether I like it or not, I know that this *is* Noah’s culture and those kids at school are his peers and so while I acknowledge my fear, I’m not entirely sure that it’s reason enough to homeschool.

So what reasons do I think are good enough? The biggest one is that I’m not convinced that my son will get the best education at school. To me, a good education is one that inspires a lifelong love of learning, teaches the student to think critically, allows the student room to learn how best he or she learns, and imparts some basic usefull skills (like reading, writing, ‘rithmatic) along the way. I think that school as we know it with its emphasis on rote memorization and test scores does a lousy job of educating most kids. Do I think it dooms all kids to lives of intellectual boredom? Heck no. But it dooms plenty of kids to lives of intellectual boredom and I don’t want my kid caught up in it.

I hate the artificiality of school. I hate the way kids are segregated by age and the social structure with the child-elite controlling so much of what goes on between classes. Does anyone remember that first homeschooling kid to win the National Spelling Bee? Ok, here she is: Rebecca Sealfon. When I saw her win and then saw her interviewed, I was impressed by how much self-confidence she had. She was charming! But really weird, too, and I think school would have sucked all that self-confidence right out of her. The school social structure would have been so focused on her weirdness that they would have completely missed her charm. Or I remember talking to this woman who is homeschooling her three boys. She said that one is very into gymnastics and the other is into dance. They’re middle and high school aged. She said that if they had gone to school, she’s pretty sure that they wouldn’t have felt free to indulge these passions.

Oh I want to write more but I think that this book says it with more clarity and conviction than I can.

{write me}

I have had three strangers contact me about my blog this week. Very cool. I haven’t written them all back but I want you to know (if you are reading) how much I appreciate you’re taking the time to write me! I’m never sure about writing folks back, however. Do they want a letter back or have they forgotten the letter once they hit send? I write folks on blogs sometimes and I’m always surprised to get a response. I do like getting mail though.

Here are the search terms that have brought people to see me lately:

This is so sad. I was lurking on a crazy Christian board and a woman posts the following: “I also lived as a homosexual. Of course, that didn’t last long. I couldn’t be with a female and God at the same time. I am now happily married with a 17 month old son.” A few messages up, she posts again, “My husband and I have been married for 2 years this past January. We had a son Nov the year we got married. Ever since then, I don’t want anything sexual from him.” Well, it’s obvious, isn’t it? She’s gay and she’s trying to live as a heterosexual. I don’t think there’s anything I could say that would 1) be welcome on this wack-o board, or 2) help her realize that being gay is certainly ok in God’s eyes or he wouldn’t have made gay people. Right now everyone’s advice to her is to get with God and her bible and have sex with her husband because it is her duty.

{write me}

I was talking to my counselor at my last session about my bewildering habit of doing things that make me feel bad. Like re-reading letters from people who pissed me off, or looking at pictures from the bad old days, or thinking obsessively about arguments I’ve had with people I don’t talk to anymore. What’s up with that? Well, my therapist’s theory is that feeling lousy must feel comfortable to me; it must feel familiar.

When I’m up up up, I don’t do these things but when I’m on an even-keel, I do. So why am I sabotaging myself? We talked about it and I think she’s right about it feeling familiar (and safe) to me. I also think it’s a weirdo, twisted endorphin thing. I thrive under a certain amount of stress. For example, I used to *always* put things off ’til the last minute because I like the rush of trying to get it done in time. Made finals in college very challenging. (I’m getting better about not doing this but it’s a struggle.) I think that’s part of why I go read my journals if I’m feeling good but not fabulous; it gets my heart racing. But I’m sick of making myself feel bad.

My counselor said that like any habit, I’m going to have to find something to replace it. When I get the urge to feel rotten, I should find something else to do. I should interrupt my thoughts or take a walk or have a cup of tea. I should turn off my computer instead of opening some dear, dead file. That’s what I’m working on now. It’s hard.

Something else she said that I thought was interesting: In her experience, women tend to revisit old relationships even after said relationships are over. Men *never* do, she said, except when they have some serious mental health issues. I thought this was hilarious.

I’ve been looking hard at this sabotaging I do because an old friend came out of the woodwork and called us. I went back and forth about calling her back and finally decided not to. She’s ok. I mean, she and I have had our issues (some major ones) but I think that we’re both probably in a place where we could overcome them. But her husband, sheesh! I don’t like him. I have actually had nightmares since she called about him. He used to make fun of me, of Brett, and (most frustratingly) of Noah who was less than two when they knew him. Anyway, I’ve been rethinking every shitty thing he ever said to us (”Boy being home with a kid is the good life, huh? Nothing to do all day but sit around and watch tv!” and “What’s wrong with Noah? He’s kind of wimpy, isn’t he?” and “We’re just glad that we have *experts* taking care of our baby. Aren’t you worried about Noah’s socialization?“) and getting pissed all over again. Enough. I’m done. He’s an asshole; his wife is not. Unfortunately, they’re a package deal. So be it.

{write me}

So much homeschooling stuff focuses on what a great thing it is to have siblings for homeschoolers. I agree, it must be, but rats for Noah. Eegads, even if I get pregnant *this very minute*, he would be so much older than his brother/sister that I can’t see them helping each other with the times tables or something.

{sigh}

On a brighter note, I’m getting more and more enthusiastic about homeschooling. More like I felt when he was an infant and I had no idea what I was actually contemplating. I’m going to start slow and try not to succumb to that “sign me up!” mentality which I hear plagues new HSers. I want to check out the religious school at shul, and I want to find him a gross motor activity (swim lessons? t-ball? skating?) that he’s interested in, and then maybe a small group thing. Something at the parks and rec department that happens occasionally ‘cuz I think three things a week is pushing it. He’ll also be hanging with his friends a lot of the time and he thrives on alone time so I don’t want to schedule all of the fun out of his life. It’s hard, though, ‘cuz there’s so much fun stuff out there. As Noah himself would say, “We’ll just have to see.”

{write me}