There but for the grace of god
Feb 13, 2002 Ancient Archives, Infertility
I’ve made the momentous decision to stop seeing the miracle baby doctor because I don’t trust him and I don’t like him. I don’t feel listened to there, I don’t feel like he sees me as a unique person with a unique history. I feel like he’s got a checklist in front of him and he’s just running down it. He doesn’t take my questions seriously, he is condescending, and his clinical support person sucks. When I had that miscarriage, they gave me no advice. Nothing like “stay out of baths”, “watch for fever”, etc. Nothing. That’s irresponsible. I’m through. You know what they said about Orson Welles? There but for the grace of God, goes God. Same goes for Clem Grosskinsky.
Of course now I must begin the daunting task of finding a new doctor.
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Tikkun olan
Feb 12, 2002 Ancient Archives, Judaism
I was listening to NPR while I made breakfast this morning so I found out that the FBI has issued a warning about terrorist attacks today as I was flipping flapjacks. Noah was singing and sliding around the kitchen. His hair was sticking up and he has one of those preschool kennel-coughs. I looked down at my grungy-happy boy, tormenting his companionable puppy and I was once again amazed by my own good fortune. I don’t know why I’m so lucky when so many people aren’t. I’m not more deserving than other mothers. Tragedy is looming, right now a mother is holding her dying child in her arms, and here I am pouring maple syrup on my happy, healthy kid’s pancakes.
This uneven allocation is the biggest obstacle I face in my personal search for spirituality. I cannot understand the cock-eyed distribution of suffering.
Religions, of course, have answers but none that make sense to me. The theory that I especially dislike is the one that says we *control* our destinies with good thoughts. You know, think positive and it’ll turn out just dandy because the universe is all about WHOLENESS. I guess that explains the holocaust, right? I mean, those Jews *have* always been a dour people. Get this:
You don’t have to protect yourself from anything! In fact, an attitude of protection will surely bring you to the vibration of the thing from which you’re protecting yourself. Because you can’t look at something and say, “Oh no, I’m saying a prayer to protect myself from you,” without achieving vibrational harmony with “you”, whatever you are.
That’s from Abraham-Hicks.
They are “a group of obviously evolved teachers, [who] speak their broader Non-physical perspective through the physical apparatus of Esther [Hicks].” The teachings basically say that if you ignore something, then it’ll go away. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.
/sarcasm mode on
Gee, someone should share this enlightened way of thinking with those kids in Miami. Of course, the Abraham-Hicks theory is that kids who are living in hellish situations (they talk about crack babies on their site) are spiritually evolved beings who *want* the experience of extreme suffering. Boy, isn’t that swell! That sure relieves the awful responsibility I was feeling towards the poor and suffering people on our planet! See, Abraham says that people *choose* their suffering. Take homeless people for example:
Have you ever gone down to the part of town where the homeless live and offered them a job? Jerry has. They do not want it. Now, does that make them inappropriate? No, it makes them vibrationally resistant to your job. It makes them vibrationally resistant to playing the game the way you all want them to play the game. They have got something working for them. They are eating; they are free. You might not choose it so it may be inappropriate for you, but do you see what we are getting at?
So those homeless kids in Miami have “got something working for them. Gosh, now I can get back to thinking all those happy thoughts and reveling in “abundance” while I’m busy with my pancakes!
/sarcasm mode off
Frankly, this kind of head-in-the-ground thinking makes me sick. I worked in a homeless shelter and let me tell you that Esther (and the “spiritually evolved beings” she’s channeling) are full of shit. Mental illness, abuse, head injuries, drug addictions, etc. etc. Some people are *damaged* and it’s got nothing to do with their “vibrational resistance.” Offering most homeless people a job is not going to fix all the damage in their hearts/souls. And if they refuse it, that doesn’t relieve our (society’s) responsibility to help care for that person. (I’m a bleeding heart liberal, can you tell?)
Compare the above to the Jewish concept of tikkun olan (or tikkum olam or tikkun olam or … you get the picture). From this page:
Tikkum Olam, ‘repair of the world.’ We’re not going to get paradise, we’re not going to get a better society until we all work together and bring up the person who is the weakest and who is most in need.
Judaism sure as hell doesn’t answer all my questions but at least Judaism doesn’t tell us it’s ok to shirk responsibility.
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Book reviews
Feb 12, 2002 Ancient Archives, Writing
For my computer time this weekend writing my book review for GeoParent. I have a bunch of writing assignments coming up that require some degree of research and I’m handling this the way I usually do: by doing absolutely nothing. I finally realized halfway through college that I’m a last-minute sort of person. I guess I thrive on the adrenaline that comes from panic. Anyway, now that I know that about myself, I try not to spend too much time beating myself up for not being more organized. Honest to god, I don’t know how my husband stands living with me on those deadline days.
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Grief
Feb 9, 2002 Ancient Archives, Infertility
I tried to go running with Brett (and Noah in the jogging stroller and Peanut on her leash) today and ended up sitting on a park bench crying my eyes out. I’m feeling so sad lately. I lost a friend and it was a big, ugly mess when it ended. It shocked me completely because I thought we were mending things and it all turned very hostile. So that’s made me sad. And then I realized that if I hadn’t had that miscarriage in the fall I would be six months pregnant right now.
That miscarriage was much more difficult for me than I realized at the time. While it was happening I was caught up in how much it hurt and also we were driving ‘cross country back home so it felt really otherwordly somehow. But I keep coming back to it because all the signs were right. From my experience, infertile women tend to get really superstitious, always looking for signs that this month will be *it*. Well, that month should have been it. Think of it, pregnant in Oregon again at Cannon Beach where I was pregnant with Noah. Being at a wedding where everyone is celebrating family. I was so sure and it was so right and then it wasn’t right and then I wasn’t pregnant anymore.
I’ve not only lost trust in my body but I’ve lost trust in my intuition.
Here’s something that was eerily accurate for me: colorgenics. The profile I just did included this: At this particular time you are feeling the results of extreme stress and you are seeking a “way out”…but you are pushing too hard.. Obviously you need peace, tranquillity and contentment. Your temperament is such that you are hoping ,unrealistically perhaps, that your desires will shortly be fulfilled (even if at this time you are not quite sure what those true aspirations may be!). … Having experienced considerable disappointment of late and not knowing quite what to do about it this has led you to suffer a great deal of agitation and anxiety.
Thanks go to various MamaMatrix members for sharing!
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Tags: Noah
February 2002
Feb 1, 2002 Ancient Archives
More entries written without benefit of blogging software. Read the rest of this entry »