Hysteroscopy results
Feb 26, 2002 Ancient Archives, Infertility, Parenting
‘the dreaded hysteroscopy’; return true”>hysteroscopy turned up nothing; my uterus is fine. In one way this is a good thing because it’s nice to have your organs in working order. In another way it was really disappointing news. I was hoping he would find some easy-to-fix problem that would explain why I’m miscarrying so often. I sat down with my journal and realized how much I’ve been pregnant. I got pregnant in September, then miscarried in October. Got pregnant again in November, miscarried in December. Pregnant once more this January, miscarried in February. Chances are that I’ll get pregnant again this spring and miscarry again unless we can fix whatever might be broken. Problem is, we’re not sure what’s broken. So far all my tests have been normal or a little bit off. Apparently being a little bit off is enough to make real trouble but it’s hard to know what to do since the treatment can sometimes cause as many problems as the thing it was meant to fix.
I am depressed and frustrated and trying really hard to be a good mama when all I want to do is sit in a chair and stare at the wall. Part of me wants to force myself to get up and get happy but I think it would be futile. Unless I took to drink or filled the percocet prescription they gave me.
This is what I keep telling myself: It’s appropriate to be unhappy when sad things happen to a person. This is real. I’m losing potential babies right and left. All my plans for myself and my family are winging wildly out of control and I feel like I’ve failed Noah by not giving him a sibling by now. I want a baby for myself, I want it for Brett (who, between trying to take care of me and trying to manage his own feelings, is feeling pretty miserable, too), I want it for the grandparents. I have so much sorrow over this, this not having a baby, and it is impacting every single aspect of my life. This is a major life crisis. I have to forgive myself for being overwhelmed by it.
It’s a very American thing, I think, to try and stop feeling anything that hurts. Meditate, biofeedback, thinking good thoughts, etc. But being sad when sad things happen isn’t pathological; it’s healthy. I just wish that I didn’t have to make my kid sad, too. I’m not really present for him right now and I can’t even make myself be present. I’m not even good at holding a conversation because my mind keeps wandering. Even though I try to say all the right things, like, “I’m feeling sad right now but it’s ok to be sad and I’m taking good care of myself so I’ll feel better soon. It’s not your fault, sometimes people are just sad.” etc. I know that in his five-year old heart it’s a scary, scary thing to have a sad mommy.
I did go running/walking yesterday which helped. I’ve promised myself to work out 4 times this week because I always feel better (albeit temporarily) after I exercise. I figure it’s also good role modeling, showing him how to try and manage sadness. I’m also cutting us all some slack. Dinners aren’t quite as balanced, we’re watching a little more tv. Thank goodness for Brett. When he comes home it’s like vacation for all of us. He romps Noah, he hugs me, he reads books while we all cuddle on the couch. At least Noah is seeing that when bad things happen we all rally. It’s good to have family and it’s good to help and be helped, right?
Oh well. Life happens. I can’t protect Noah from it as much as I want to. It’s tough facing up to how imperfect his life will be and how little control I have over his experiences in the world. It’s even tougher realizing that in some ways I am one of the burdens he will bear. I had a vague idea that this was true when he was small and I kept running up against my character flaws but now when I see how complex a thing parental influence is I really know it.
September 8th, 2002 at 11:37 am
Your words are beautiful and through them I could feel your sadness. My heart goes out to you and hope the very best for you. Good things happen to good people and your good thing might be right around the corner.