Grief
I tried to go running with Brett (and Noah in the jogging stroller and Peanut on her leash) today and ended up sitting on a park bench crying my eyes out. I’m feeling so sad lately. I lost a friend and it was a big, ugly mess when it ended. It shocked me completely because I thought we were mending things and it all turned very hostile. So that’s made me sad. And then I realized that if I hadn’t had that miscarriage in the fall I would be six months pregnant right now.
That miscarriage was much more difficult for me than I realized at the time. While it was happening I was caught up in how much it hurt and also we were driving ‘cross country back home so it felt really otherwordly somehow. But I keep coming back to it because all the signs were right. From my experience, infertile women tend to get really superstitious, always looking for signs that this month will be *it*. Well, that month should have been it. Think of it, pregnant in Oregon again at Cannon Beach where I was pregnant with Noah. Being at a wedding where everyone is celebrating family. I was so sure and it was so right and then it wasn’t right and then I wasn’t pregnant anymore.
I’ve not only lost trust in my body but I’ve lost trust in my intuition.
Here’s something that was eerily accurate for me: colorgenics. The profile I just did included this: At this particular time you are feeling the results of extreme stress and you are seeking a “way out”…but you are pushing too hard.. Obviously you need peace, tranquillity and contentment. Your temperament is such that you are hoping ,unrealistically perhaps, that your desires will shortly be fulfilled (even if at this time you are not quite sure what those true aspirations may be!). … Having experienced considerable disappointment of late and not knowing quite what to do about it this has led you to suffer a great deal of agitation and anxiety.
Thanks go to various MamaMatrix members for sharing!
