The sirens kept going off earlier but the storms went right by us and on out towards Delaware. Noah was very nervous but in that enjoyably nervous way where it’s all exciting. Both kids huddled on the couch with their favorite blankets but Madison kept hopping down to get more toys.

Pennie is coming over for dinner and Madison is deliriously excited about it. Yesterday in the car she said to Noah, kicking her feet, “Aren’t you so excited about tomorrow?” He said, “What’s tomorrow?” And she trilled, “PENNIE!”

She decorated some candles for her and then colored two pictures — one for me and one for Pennie. She said, “Because you are both mothers for mother’s day. It is for mothers and she is my birth mother and you are my mommy.”

She cleaned her room this morning, too, so that she and Pennie can play in there.

It’s making for a nice day even though I’m here working down here instead of eating peeled grapes because I’m back on-site for the next two or three days and need to get ahead on some stuff.

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It’s about the racist fee structure under which we adopted Madison and how I won’t keep this from her. I wrote it after a friend of mine said she would NOT tell her child that his adoption cost less because he is of African descent. I didn’t want to get into an argument about the fee structure, (which I think should be replaced by sliding scale based on adoptive parent income) or whether or not we should have used an agency that uses them (because it’s a moot point) but I wanted to discuss whether or not people think they should tell their kids. Actually I don’t want to argue that either so much as I want people to think about it and decide for themselves. Nobody’s gonna be able to change my mind — Madison will know at some point though I can’t say when or how because she’s four and she ain’t gonna know tomorrow. I just know that I won’t keep it from her. Why? I’ll tell you:

1. Because it’s true. So much of the yucky parts of adoption are whitewashed purportedly to save feelings and I don’t think it does anyone any favors. My daughter has a right to her whole history. I’d have to shred all of our adoption papers, disguise the name of our agency and delete blog posts like these — in other words, lie — to keep the truth from her and I won’t do that.
2. Because it’s out there. Other people in our lives know about the fee structure (we told Pennie sometime during that first year because it occurred to me that she likely didn’t know). I’d rather she find out in the appropriate context than overheard someone mentioning it to me or asking about it.
3. Because I’m an activist. I write about this stuff. I talk about this stuff. I’d have to be a different person to keep my adoption reform thinking from my kids and I’m not that person. I want my children to think critically about the adoption industry just like I want them to think critically about other institutions. I want them to understand early on that they are not a reflection of other people’s ideas about their histories and experiences. Children are a commodity in adoption — there’s no hiding that.

I said this on a comment at ARP, but to my mind keeping this from her would be the same as not telling a daughter adopted from China about how the one-child policy is impacted by sexism. Ugly? Hard to talk about? Yes, but true and part of their histories, part of their stories.

I don’t want my daughter hearing about racist fee structures somewhere else and being afraid to ask me if her adoption cost less. Or worse yet, catching me in a lie about it.

Deesha, a woman I admire and respect, said, “My standard is this: If she finds out the truth, would she feel cheated or lied to, or feel as if some part of who she is has been withheld or misrepresented? If not, then it’s not part of her story. The fee structure issue (though this was not part of our experience) would fail this test.”

If it were me, I would feel cheated and lied to. Absolutely. Absolutely absolutely absolutely. It’s her history and this argument that this part of the adoption (signing the checks) is only my history isn’t true. Those are her adoption records put away in the keepsake box and they say right there how much the adoption cost. We saved the agency brochures and applications because they belong to her.

I feel like we folks in control of other people’s adoption stories have hidden the truth way too long in a misguided attempt to “protect” our kids. But when we do this we forget that they won’t always be kids and that they have a right to know the way that the machinations of other people have dictated the course of their lives.

I don’t know how or when it’ll come up but I expect that it will. And when it does, I’m going to tell the truth.

(For the record, every agency we contacted in Columbus used a racist fee structure and we knew we wanted to adopt from a local agency to up our chances of having a fully open adoption so that’s how we ended up there.)

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Honestly I think the teleflora snafu is idiotic and ridiculous but it doesn’t make me nearly as unhappy as HB 7 going down. It just doesn’t offend me the way governmental prejudice against adopted people does.

I know in some ways one is a reflection of the other. Adopted kids — and the adults they grow up into although in the eyes of the world they’re always adopted children — just aren’t as “real” as people who get to grow up in their families of origin. The only reason non-mom would ever bother me (because honestly I don’t give a damn what people call me) is that it’s indicative of the disrespect that society has about our kids. It doesn’t hurt me to be called a non-mom but it sure as hell would hurt Madison to hear me dismissed and this whole “one of her own” (aside from the offensive “meth babies”) is also hurtful.

So I know that this is a reflection of why birth certificates are falsified and the real records sealed up tight. I know that but I just wish I saw as much outrage about closed records as I’m seeing about some stupid mother’s day promotion. And I wish that our representatives were as quick to respond as the folks at teleflora (although honestly, teleflora? I don’t see how you can make this right — it was such a misguided thing to do and the fact that your president is an “adopting” parent herself makes me really wonder where the hell everyone’s head was at). They put up the lame apology, they’ll likely — one hopes — change the “meth baby” reference and rethink the whole stupid category organization anyway, and their PR folks are commenting on blogs read to hear us. (Scroll down and you can see she’s introduced herself in the comments on the post.)

But our elected reps? They don’t give a damn.

It’s depressing.

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